Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Toby tries to woo her

This is the third visit Toby makes to my friends house in Kingsbury. Their female cat is never impressed with other animals. She barely tolerates the dog and cat she lives with. So she is generally unimpressed with Toby's presence in the house.  Usually just being in the same room, Pixel growls. Toby managed to get reasonably close and within line of sight. Maybe there is hope!

Despite all the warnings Toby got, he really liked hanging out under the Christmas tree, and we did tolerate him when he wasn't attacking the tree.

Monday, December 29, 2014

The little putz and his shenanigans

Despite having been sprayed a few times with the water bottle I caught him pawing at a hanging decoration. When he heard the camera click he ran probably remembering the water bottle.

 Here the little putz hides on the chair to paw at the dog's tail.

Saturday, December 27, 2014


Have you ever tried to do a tarot reading with an inquisitive kitten?

I don't recall but he seems paws-on. He always seem to want to touch the cards

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Tobias doesn't know .....

As Toby gets acquainted with the skateboard I have big plans for him.

Innocently sitting on the skateboard

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Poor sleep

What a day. Didn't get to sleep till 4am, but then really didn't sleep much, and was up by 9am. My stomach was having another one of them days. I still have mounds of pots and pans from Sunday but no motivation to do anything.

Eventually after dosing in and out of sleep in my chair part of the afternoon, I went to sleep around 4 and slept straight till 11pm. Of course that's not going to help me sleep tonight, but this nap was longer then most of my nights sleep in the past week.

I felt badly, I was invited to dinner that evening but I could not bear thinking about going out in the pissing rain with the nausea and all. 

Perhaps the stress of the holidays. Hopefully my tummy troubles are going to be over soon.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Interesting find online

While I don't believe in labels, sometimes they help you figure out things. I've never really been strong on monogamy, but at the same time I do build lasting relationships with people. Some of which are strongly emotional and intimate but the relationship itself is platonic and within standards norm of friendship or what society considers normal.

Of course fact I build such relationships just as easily with men or women, including some in lands far away puzzles some people, but it doesn't make me defective. It just makes me 'different'.

With time and age you realize that you can find people who you click with and like similar things you do and have similar expectations. I found this interesting article on  Solo Polyamory a lot of which makes sense to me.

I have many close friends, with close emotional bonds, including my 2nd ex husband. We might not have been "happily ever after' material but the love and friendship between us certainly hasn't changed. I told him not to long ago, that my condition to sign the divorce papers was that he had to promise that I would always be a friend, that I could not stand losing my friend. We were good friends before we became more and losing that good friend would really hurt.  But I should have no such fears.  We're good. He said as much and he was sincere. I could see it in his eyes.

My family these days consists of my daughters, my close friends and my cats, and sometimes I'm not sure I want a primary relationship. Those are often messy and complicated.... and I don't do well in them. 

Monday, December 22, 2014

And then it was 2

By Monday 3pm, I was alone with an old friend visiting from Ottawa, who stayed till Tuesday. We got to hang out. and talk and not do much of anything.

We had the mussel leftovers, it was just enough for a meal for two and as it turned out he hadn't sampled the mussels on Sunday.  I wanted to make French fries to accompany the mussels but it didn't happen.  There was enough mussels.

Still want to make fries with my brand new vegetable cutter, that cuts vegetables and small potatoes, and it julienne. I love juliennes.  I wonder if this would cut sweet potatoes, probably not. Maybe that's what I'm going to have for dinner tonight. French fries, cut with my brand new fry cutter.

Monday morning though I was up early and at Club Tissu in Laval so my eldest daughter could choose a sewing machine for herself. Went spent an hour or so there, she got lesson on the machine she liked and bought and that extended my membership by 3 months.  So she goes back to Halifax with a sewing machine. She may not yet get into making her own clothes, but she can use it for her crafts.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

It's that time of the year

I left work at noon on Friday, and only go back to work on the 5th of January.

My daughter arrived by 4pm boyfriend in tow, I was just about to doze off,  was another day where I was feeling on and off.  

Did some cooking that night and on the Saturday.  I would have liked to go to Ikea with my daughter but was not feeling healthy enough. I felt totally drained and the thought of being at IKEA at this time of the year with all the people made me shriek inside.

I stayed home and cooked, my friends came in from the townships on Saturday night and I had a nice time chatting with them and my daughter. 

Sunday most people dispersed and I had the house to myself for a few hours to get ready and finish most of the cooking. People starting arriving around 5:30 and a nice time was had by all

I was disappointed that my new friend did not even stop in briefly at least to meet a few of my friends.  But I could dedicate a whole entry to that topic but it's probably not worth the effort.

The Chile Shrimp was a success as always. I made 4lbs of shrimp and it went like that. Poof.  There was no left overs, in fact some folks didn't even get the chance to get a 2nd serving.

My daughter made mussels, oh they were divine.  YUM.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Husky visits

She felt at home on the bed right with the pack

This is too cute not to share

I've always found men that actually spend quality time with their children, very sexy. So I had to share this article with dads who do all sorts of fun stuff with their kids.

I have to say I got a step-dad I was 10. He was phenomenal. I got to put curlers in this hair and try different hair do's on him. He gave me airplane rides around the house, and he was 6ft3inches, so that was a lot of fun. I used to walk around using his shoes, since they were size 13, and clunk away  He played all sorts of cool games with me as a teen though they would tax his brain.  Heck even in the last few years, in his wheelchair, he would go shopping with me, because he knew I enjoyed that.

I've been an emotional mess this past bit, with raw emotions busting out at the seams all the time, so just writing this entry and looking at this article is making me cry

It's just one of those days.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Tired this morning

I was awake till 2:30 trying to get zen with my sleep.  Before that I was cooking. I managed to make ratatouille and rosemary chicken last night, along with some rice, since I'm having ratatouille for lunch today and tomorrow.

I managed to get kitchen reasonably back clean once I was done since today is cleaning lady day, and I don't want to hunt for my stuff.

I was chatting with my buddy in Ireland when I got home, then chatted with a friend on and off, took a Skype video call from a friend in Ottawa and also talked to my not quite ex husband. It's rare that I spend the entire evening chatting. Was more sociable then usual but it helped me get through cooking.

What I would do without my little Galaxy S4 mini...

Also ran out around 8pm to stop at the bank drive through and pick up a few items I could not cook without. On the way back I came on my street from Pierrefonds blvd, and it's parallel to it for a while. My street rarely gets snow removal so it still had about an inch of snow. I drove the whole length around 35km/hour slaloming while listening to Riders on the Storm. Epic :) 

I'm so duh this morning, but I'm psyched. 2 more days and then vacation till January 5th.

Weird. I just threw up. I have a feeling it's the B complex, sometimes it sits funny on an empty stomach.  It can't be anything else, cause as soon as I was done, the heavy nausea from being starving hit me and I just downed my bowl of cereal and I feel fine, now.

For some reason it reminds me of something that I talked about last night with one friend about the chinese proverb "May you live in interesting times"

Well then it's being interesting!!! 

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Toby: up close and personal

When the alarm goes off Toby comes to cuddle... up close and personal.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Yay Facebook.....

So in excess of 80 people wished me a  happy birthday on Facebook, some on my wall, some in private messages, some with cute little videos, some with cute cards, and even an ex with his brothers computer. I should mention even my youngest first cousin took the time to wish me a happy birthday and tell me that we may not communicate much but he loves to follow what I do on facebook. I know how that feels, I love to just know what people are up to and that they seem happy.

Also got a few emails, phone calls and even someone stopped at my door to give me a birthday hug.

Close to 100 people wished me happy birthday. Which was a shitty day, made less shitty by the fact that many people took the time to think about me.

After the big hug from my friend I took a nap from 5pm to 10 pm. When I woke up around 10ish I felt a lot better. Finally felt human. I had a long chat with a friend and went off to bed feeling good, I hope she felt the same way.

Sadly I have yet to cook for my Yule dinner on Sunday the 21st, but you know what? I will come home early most days except for today I have therapist appointment at 6.

I'm going to cook some of the food some nights this week and it will all work out. No point in panicking. ANd I can also cut the menu if I think I can't pull it off. This would stress me out a lot other years not this year.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Alone in my own shit!

I fell asleep around 9ish last night and was fine till about 3ish this morning. This is where my bowels decided it wanted to expel just about everything it was harbouring,  in a highly liquefied form. Though I managed to sleep with a hot water bottle, to a gurgling belly, I woke up feeling wet and nasty.

I have to say this is a positively shitty way to start my 52nd year and this is probably more then you wanted to know about me today. but fuck really? Another bout? Making it the 4th time since I been back from Toronto that I have to fucking run to the goddamn toilet?

Figures of course that I had brand new sheets and these are whitish with snowflakes. They are now soaking in the washing machine.

I won't be shopping. In fact I'll probably be sitting very close to one of my 3 toilets today.  Me and my shitty sense of humour :P

Friday, December 12, 2014

Today I get my winter tires on

This morning I'm going to get my winter tires on and get an oil change as well as get the cabin light in my truck looked at. Otherwise I'm not having issues with it.

I seemed to remember having a hard time moving the tires,  225 60R18. Apparently they weigh anywhere from 26-30 lbs. I guess after moving my 38lb canoe alone, the tires don't seem particularly heavy anymore. or as awkward. 
So tires in truck and leaving to be there for 7:45. Yuck.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Otter boxes for mobile phones.

A co-worker dropped his Samsung galaxy 5 in his garage thus morning and completely shattered the glass. He was using a Samsung case.

I just dropped my Samsung galaxy 4 mini in its otter box. Three co-workers reacted like I'd killed my phone. I drop it often though usually not on purpose and LOVE my Otter Box. 

The only thing that would make it perfect was if it was also waterproof.  

Samsung Galaxy S4 Mini with Otter box. It's clunky but safe :)


Nor'Easter decenber 11 2014

Photos of driveway and drive to work.  Love the snow.

Dress finished in the wee hours of Wednesday Morning

McCalls M6889 with a thick green poly-cotton knit
This is the third time I use McCalls M6889 and I got it perfectly for my body this time. No gaping neckline. Fabric is really comfy. Looks a bit like I'm wearing sweatshirt fleece but it's not.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

I feel totally naked without my beloved Samsung Galaxy S4 mini....

It's so pretty outside this morning. We had a Nor'Easter go through overnight and this morning everything was covered in snow. It's heavy wet snow, so it was stuck to all the trees and until it warms up it looks really surreal. I would have taken photos except that I had neither a camera nor even my !(*%#(*&%()*# android.

Though to be honest it amazes me that I don't forget it or lose it more often!!!  I left my phone I think on the stairs next to where my purse and lunch bag was. I guess I thought it was either in my sweater pocket or in my coat pocket, but no. I noticed it at the first red light on Sources.

Perhaps when my new laptop arrives I'll be less attached to my phone but until that time I'm feeling NAKED without my stupid phone. And it's not like I use it as a phone that often. Usually it's used as a texting/chatting device.

It keeps me sane during 5 minute mode changes at work. Yesterday I spent 3 hours doing mode changes. In between I'd look at my phone, read articles. Do something to prevent myself to lull myself into a coma. Doing nothing for 5 minute chunks while waiting for software to finish it's task is about as exciting as watching paint dry.

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Yay Asthma.

Soon winter vacation will be upon us. It won't be too soon. Toronto left a bitter taste in my mouth and I was sick for some time afterwards. I'm still clearing my lungs of mucus. It's weird because I hardly have a cough, but I'm still taking two swings of Buckleys "Coughs and Congestion" two to three times a day.

What I've found is it helps with the lung congestion a great deal, and instead of coughing unproductively forever, with the Buckleys I'm coughing productively very infrequently.  Of course not used to this so I skip taking a dose of Buckleys and then I end up with mild asthma attacks later on.

With this series of infections I've had coming back from Toronto I've almost emptied 3 x 100ml of Buckleys. I have 2 bottles that probably have 2-3 more doses left and one I finished already. Good thing I stocked up on Buckleys in Toronto before I got sick and then again at Walmart the first week I was back home.

Yes I *hate* Walmart for everything it stands for. Making poor people poorer. But I have to say, the meds that I can't find anywhere else I can often find in the Pharmacy at Walmart. Like Buckleys Coughs and Congestion when it was hardest to find, and Rougiers "Strawberry Extract", which keeps my tummy happy when it's unhappy.

I can't believe I fell asleep on my couch around 8ish last night up until midnight where I got up, migrated to bed and went right  back to sleep, even Toby crashed quickly.  I didn't wake up till 3:45 and then fell back asleep until the alarm around 6ish. I know I needed the sleep, I had one night this week-end I didn't sleep, though I took nap both Saturday late afternoon and Sunday late afternoon.  Finally catching up on the sleep I hadn't gotten since Toronto.

Saturday, December 06, 2014

In Memory of December 6th, 1989

In Memoriam of December 6th, 1989

You are gone forever but not forgotten
The memory of your tragedy lives on
It is a pity that you were attacked and killed
For just fulfilling your potential

There is a malaise in society
That was created long before you came to be
It will not go away so easily
Perhaps your death will make the problem clearer

There were those who looked on in disbelief
Those who were confused and deeply hurt
How can someone decide the fate of others
Is there no justice for the living?

The work of a madman for sure
But there is a madperson in all of us
Some say that he was just a marginal exception
But how can we learn to trust others again

Perhaps this incident will make people think
Of all the injustices committed towards women
Perhaps the next time she cries injustice
Society will believe she her complaint.

The answer does lie within each one of us
To forgive him who focused his personal anger on women
To help others learn to love and help themselves
And make this world equal for both men and women.

In your memory: Genevieve Bergeron, Helene Colgan, Nathalie Croteau, Barbara Daigneault, Anne-Marie Edward, Maud Havierncik, Barbara Klucznik-Widajewicz, Maryse Laganiere, Maryse Leclair, Anne-Marie Lemay,Sonia Pelletier, Michele Richard, Annie St..Arneault, Annie Turcotte

Friday, December 05, 2014

Blood red sky

When I ran my bath this morning noticed that the sunrise was quite colourful

Thursday, December 04, 2014

Geese? In December?

On the way out of work around 4ish today I noticed migrating geese. I can't remember the last time I saw geese migrate in December. Usually they are long gone by now. I guess this bunch didn't get the memo.

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Why did you open the light, I was sleeping....

I'm still a feminist!

I've been a feminist since I was a small child. I've always felt that being a girl shouldn't prevent me from doing whatever I wanted in my life.  Asked at age 6 what I was going to be when I grew up I would answer "Medical doctor" or even "Prime Minister". Little did I know how much I would hate politics, politicians and  how full of lies public life is, but it never occured to me as a 6 year old girl that I could not do this as a girl in 1962.

I find it appalling the things women still cannot do in 2014.  Simple things like same pay for same work. As a competent computer technician I feel I should earn the same amount of money as another competent technician who does similar job. I am recognized as a competent tech in my field mostly because I use to work 3 times as hard as the boys. I had to be better then them all the time to be noticed as even competent in the field.

When I started in 1992, I used to get razzed about my gender all the time. It only stopped when I started to razz the guys the same way they razzed me.  I've actually told co-worker who couldn't figure out a hardware problem that I quickly resolved that the reason I managed to resolve it that quickly is that I didn't have a penis between my legs to confuse me.

A few weeks ago I had to do reviews for my employees and I know my boss checks our bug database to see how many problems each employee documents.  I realized I had 3 times the number of issues as my best guy, who is my 2nd. Everyone else has put less issues. To be honest I seem to have found as many issues as the rest of my team put together. This has been a constant for many years. Some of it is that I go on projects before the guys so I find the blaring issues. The other thing is I test the more complex configs and that finds the weirder issues.Some of it is that I'm that good at finding issues.

All of this to say that I'm over 50 and I still strongly feel that gender is not relevant in how good you are at something or another.  Yet in 2014 there were still plenty of things women were told they could not do. 

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

My kitties sun in the kitchen

For a bit this morning I tried to get some vitamin D. I had company.
Can you believe the bronze coloured desert lynx kitten is 7 months old. He's huge.
I'm vibrating with the string. No really?!?!!
Tobias at 7 months old.  Each tile is 12". Draw your own conclusions.
All 4 of my kittehs were hanging out. Yep Ziva was the Diva on the chair!
Toby enjoying the packaging of cat toys

Looking for Christmas presents - Looking for Photos? Christmas Photo shoot?

My friend Nina Haigh is an awesome photographer. I love her work, her vision. She's also easy to work with, energetic, enthusiastic and a ray of sunshine. I'm not just saying it because she's my friend. I'm saying it because these happen to be things I love about her.

Check out her ETSY SHOP  , there you might find prints you really love.

Check out her Facebook page.  where you can find the  Holiday Portrait Sessions,  which makes the perfect gift!!!!!

It happens that I also take photos where she takes photos and it always amazes me the angles that she sees that I don't see. It helps she's got professional training, but she's also quite the artist.   This photo below is one of my favourites, it's along the Lachine Canal in Lachine or Lasalle, I confuse all the beautiful weeping willows along that shore of the Montreal island.

Photographer: Nina Haigh
She works in the Eastern Townships, she's closest to Richmond, but she also travels to Montreal to do her art.

Tuesday on my mind

I've come to the epiphany that there was some sort of shift after I went to Toronto.  Basically things haven't been the same. And we all know how well people with ADHD deal with change. At first like a bull in a china shop. Give me a few weeks and I have adapted.  Also it's the time of the year I hate the most, the time leading to my birthday and Christmas.

That and I've had 3 viral infections, two stemming from colleague who was sick when we travelled and the last caught due to the other two. I'm still fighting the last one. My back is still twingy, I wake up and I have so much congestion, you'd think it was allergy season.

I've been an emotional basketcase needing support. I can't seem to face work today. Yesterday was so dismal, I hid at my desk most of the day. Today, I'm going to stay home in hopes that rest will make me better.

Of course the two episodes of cold sores in my right nostril did nothing good, and when I go through outbreaks of herpes it puts me in a vile mood. I've been ignoring this fact but it keeps reminding me.

As for my friend, he was sick all week-end. Why he couldn't text me he wasn't well, I dunno. I guess that's what I need to get across. He means well.  And apparently whether that makes me an idiot or not is left for others to figure out but I really do like him.  I did figure out I'd rather see him once a month then ever see the asshole from May 2014 again.  So that must mean something. Few men my age get me excited, and he sure does. My friends in Kingsbury remind me to be patient. That if this works out at all for me it will be in the long term and take it slow. My friend in Ireland tells me to take it slow.

SLOW DRIVES ME INSANE.  I can't walk slow, drive slow do much of anything slow..... I gotta go go go go go you know? Like the energizer bunny.

I was reading Savage Love this morning, I've been reading Dan Savage for years, he's taught me a lot. He went on to say that to make a relationship work you have to ignore the things that you don't like and focus on the ones you do. No one is perfect but one person is ok enough to make it work.   He makes a lot of sense. Any relationship is a compromise and while I'm an only child, I still manage to pull of the whole compromise thing at least half of the time.

Monday, December 01, 2014

Is it Monday again?

It's been a while since I've been moodier then the temperature.

I've also just realized that while work forces me to take 2 weeks vacation at Christmas, most of this time will be spent alone as most of the people I know already have plans or are busy during that period of time.

I should have planned myself a trip but there was too many unknowns and I hate unknowns. So like usual I painted myself into a corner and now I'm feeling down and unloved because I did that. Nothing new really.

You'd think with age and forethought things would end different but I suppose I'm crazy thinking that if I keep doing the same thing something will change.

But apparently I'm just crazy.

It's a gloomy Monday of course.

Crazier to think that my friend will find time for me on week-ends. And I believe him each time he says he will, and when he doesn't I feel all defeated. . I spent all week-end anticipating for nothing. Then on Monday I feel like a fool.  How many times can I be fooled? I'm just as gullible as when I was a kid and the adults used to make fun of me.

The other way to be is to believe nothing and think everyone is just an asshole.....

Either way it paints me like an idiot.  What kind of fool believes?  Me obviously. What a fool I am. 

Thursday, November 27, 2014

New lcd to replace my dead LG

At some point in April one of my two lcds just died.  It was an LG, the W2253w which had vga, dvi  & hdmi connections. Used the hdmi as tv with laptop.

I has decided I wanted to replace it with a Philips but wasn't sure if i wanted it to have hdmi or displayport.  The new one I picked up today has both so it wont matter.  Its the Philips 242G5DJEB 24" lcd that displays at 1920x1080, and I got it at Canada Computers for $289 plus tax. It was $299 at Tiger Direct, and you'd have had to add shipping. Everywhere else this LCD is going for $320+

Funny too I went Monday to Canada Computers and they had none available I even got a call to tell me that  there was none in any of the stores, and yet today I get email to pick it up. Now have to clear the desk to set it up.  I was too lazy to do that tonight.

It's more monitor then I need. I know this, but working with high end LCDs at work gives me serious monitor envy. Besides, it's not like I've bought myself a TV in easily 10 years, so what if I splurge in an LCD. I'm a geek. :)

Meh it's Thursday!

It's Thursday.  I'm still nursing a cold, that seems to have relocated itself in my sinuses and in my throat. Buckleys cough & congestion is doing wonders for my lungs. Don't feel I'm fighting bronchitis at least.

My laptop is still dead and I decided I'd wait to this week-end with black Friday sales to see if I can get a good price. I'm getting another Lenovo most likely the Thinkpad L440. Main reason I'd get the L instead of the X or T or E version is that it touts 12 HOURS of battery life. WOOT.

I hope to be energetic enough this week-end to finally winterize my yard.

Today I have this Death Cab by Cutie song stuck in my head... 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Bois de liesse late fall

I went for a short walk in lieu of lunch today

Ruisseau Bertrand from the bridge
Ruisseau Bertrand on trail just off St Regis blvd

A new dress Finished on Sunday

Mc Calls M6754 with a nice lace print lined with a thick cotton knit
This dress came out almost perfect. I love how both fabrics married so nicely together to give me a thick winter dress, made with a nice lace print. Must find more of this cotton knit and make other "skater" dresses. 
Lace print lined with cotton knit.

And I decided that this dress fit better my friend

Monday, November 24, 2014

I'm a big fan of dragonflies.

I had also never realized that this awesome song I haven't heard since my late teens, was by Mahogany Rush or that it was called dragonfly  It's pretty funky.

Something loves to have fun at my expense.

Something out there LOVES to fuck with my head. To play with my insecurities. Happens usually when I like someone a lot. That anything and everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Sometimes I think I'm just paranoid, other times I feel I've got tangible proof that something or someone is out to get me. Or at least play with me for fun. "Oh you want that do you? Well FUCK YOU! You ain't getting it". Or "You want it, run, run, run like a headless chicken..."

Then I start looking at circumstances and I can't imagine that there's so many things always fucking up. If I have spare time, he doesn't. Even when he thinks he has time for me, it gets chewed up by 1001 things.

This morning I thought again for the nth time I accidentally called him. I was pressing on a facebook email on my phone at the time so I really had a "da fuck" moment. Apparently that was overheard before I hung up. Then I went to look at my call log and realized I didn't accidentally call, it was him who called. Apparently it was accidental as well, he meant to text me, that his laptop died.

{My laptop died last week...?!?!?!}

Well we talked twice this morning, and discussed this thing that likes to fuck around. And he felt it was there too from the day we met at Timmies, that time his phone vanished!!!

Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean there isn't someone out there waiting to get me....

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Band du jour

Was reminiscing about one of my favourite Canadian bands along with The Guess Who, Neil Young, and of course Mahogany Rush. [Dont like Rush, Geddy Lee's voice is like nails on chalkboard for me]. I also remembered this morning, that in my first year at work doing technical support,. I took a phone call from none other then Frank Marino.  I don't remember anything other then the fact I knew who he was and provided him with great technical support.

This morning I've been listening to the concert they did in Bromont in 1979, the year I graduated from high school.

Also discovered that I've always liked their song Dragonfly - shocking isn't it?

Yep I'm too embarassed

I'm one of them people who is too embarrassed to go to a sex shop by myself..I figured I would share this article for the likes of me, in hopes one day I can not be so hung up.  The irony is I've brought people who had never been to one and didn't want to go alone to some. But myself still got the hangup.Despite being very adult and rational that sex is part of life.

Many thanks to my Catholic upbringing for a slew of my hangups. I was hoping that after my parents both died, I would feel freer, and less bound by conservative Christian morals. But sadly these things live in my head and I'm the only one who can purge my brain as I crave freedom, at least in my own mind.

Im an emotional basketcase, it must be Saturday

For some reason I'm often an emotional basketcase on Saturdays.  Maybe its trying to be professional at work all week, the excess emotion comes out when I try to relax.

Doesnt help that things I did since labour day weekend have torn down my walls and shields.  So im very much stuck with my raw emotion.  

Some which is wild since I dance with Kali and she has been dragging me in her whirlish spiral dancing. Everything Kali is very raw. My Kali nature is very intense, few are comfortable with it. Those who say they are but it makes them recoil in one way or another.

How disappointing to harness Kali in such manner and have no one to share with, at least not in the near future. In general rarely can I share Kali her dance is just too much.... it burns. .... and you give blood and  flesh in sacrifice.

Im getting mixed signals from new friend. Says things that make me glow but then theres little follow through. Can't tell if hes just in a weird place himself or if he's really pushing  me away gently.  Not sure he even knows at times. I probably like him more then I should.  Perhaps it's a case of right guy wrong time. 

Either way sitting here feeling so many emotions that it prevents me from being able to do anything productive.  Hoping to do something productive like cooking or sewing or even drawing pastels. Just hoping I pull myself together enough to clear the garage and get winter tires in my truck and make appointment to get them put on.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

First piece of art since June 2011.

This piece is called bottled emotions. It is my first chalk pastel since my teens. My preferred medium since 2007 has been oil pastels, though I've done a few acrylic paint pieces. But they are rare.

Bottled Emotions - November 18th, 2014.
This was all about emotion. It was drawn quickly on impulse almost like if I didn't go fast I would lose the momentum and not finish the piece. I drew it while listening to trainspottin  by primal scream. over and over. It just is.

Hopefully this is the start of a new prolific drawing season. Long winter nights inspire dreams of northern lights... I have so many unfinished drawings in my notebooks that may well stay unfinished. sometimes the space I was in when I started those other drawings, I'm not ever going to be in again.. hard to finish in a different space...  At least for me.


Once an asshole generally always an asshole...

So yesterday I had an engineer at my desk. This is not unusual. The particular engineer was. I've worked with the guy years ago, and he's always been an ass. He's one of those engineers who looks down on anyone who isn't an engineer, and yet, he's one of the more inept engineers I know.

One who  used to ask us to do the stupidest things to prove that the bug wasn't his. He used to play ostrich in a big way and make it sound like the testers were inventing problems to make him look bad, never mind the fact that he couldn't debug a simple problem if it bit him in the ass.

This particular fellow is more socially inept then he is in development, so while waiting for testers to reproduce issues he generally manages to piss them off good and proper with salliant non-work related, none of his business questions that make people boil.

Luckily he's been put on more obscure projects that have rarely interfaced with me or my team in years. But yesterday he seemed to think despite having burnt all his bridges with me years ago, that I'd gladly help him out with his problems. From what I understood he trashed his development system.  While he didnt' manage to get otehrs to re-install for him, now he's trying to get others to setup his development environment, and to that end he came and see me yesterday for my "Newbie wiki".

The good thing is I don't have a newbie wiki. I had to argue the point. He was convinced there was one and I was holding back. The information he wanted to know is in the back of my checklists in the "How to" section. However he's the kind of asshole, who would not benefit from the information but who would take my checklist and tear me a new one, even though it has nothing to do with anything he's doing and though he has worked on display drivers, he would not know how to test one if it hit him in the face. 

So I told him I could not help him. I had to yell it at the end because he became incredibly pushy and would not take no for an answer.

The sad part is, if it had been anyone else in the company including a totally new employee, I would have went out of my way to be helpful. 

Moral of the story - don't be an ass to others, don't burn your bridges. You never know when that stupid Software Quality assurance dumbass can be of help.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Elvis has left the building...

I should add as well that Michael Jackson has left the building and yet some are claiming Jackson is alive and well and living in Canada.

If there was anyone I would have wanted alive, it would have been either Jim Morrison, or even Jimi Hendrix, especially in my late teens, early 20's. But I digress...

I had an epiphany earlier but I'll be damned if I remember what it was about now.

I'll conclude by re-iterating that Elvis has left the building, and so has Michael Jackson and neither one of them left any footprints in the snow. . Not everything is  a great conspiracy. Just some things. :)

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Portable Boxing bag

This is one invention of one of the employees in my team. I think it's nifty.Something I could use to vent out those frustrations. Portable is key here :)

I feel Blearrrrrrrrrrrgh

I woke up around 4 this morning needing to get to the bathroom really fast. And a few more times since. I wonder if I picked that one up from co-worker with whom I travelled, or in Toronto itself, as we went to malls, restaurants, hotels....  but I'm not well.

I thought I'd fought off the cold saliently. Other then sore throat on/off the past week-end I was feeling, ok, though a bit worn out.  The trip to Toronto sucked the life out of me. 

At least I got lots of hugs and cuddles  and tlc from my friends in Kingsbury. I always feel so much better after spending time with them.  Their company helps me recharge batteries. I also love sitting next to a fire, that recharges my batteries. nothing like sitting in front of a fire for a fire sign :)

Today I'm feeling particularly alone. Today I'd actually like to be mothered. It doesn't happen often that I feel this way. Or that I can vocalize it.  I generally don't allow others to help me, or to mother me. I'm particularly vulnerable as well because I'm not feeling well. Usually I have a huge wall around me of grump especially when I feel off, as it makes me vulnerable, today, not so much.

I've often been reproached that I don't let others in or let them help me. There's so many reasons, but ultimately I think part of it is I hear in my head "you got in this mess, you get out of this mess yourself", then there's the pride thing that kicks in, I'm strong I can get through anything and then there's the fact I'm emotionally needy or so I'm told and I can't gauge that. And in most likelihood I'm probably all or nothing, too emotional and needy with some and too together and independent with others. There's the fact that if I just break down and let someone in, all the walls come down, all the filters come down and all the flooding comes, I'm going to be a mess for hours, more intense than anyone could handle, including my mom. 

 Probably a good thing I'm seeing therapist tonight. I can reason a lot of this out. This along with those trust issues.

Read a really good article the other day about boundaries. I really never want a co-dependent relationship again. It's so not good for me. I'm guessing it's not good for anyone, but I know it's particularly bad for me.

Mooooving on. well I still feel blearghhh. Going to see if my blueberry oatmeal is in an eatable state at this point. and then going back to bed. Maybe I'll feel better next time I wake up?  One can hope.

Monday, November 17, 2014

It's SNOWING!!!!!

This was the view I had leaving my friends home in Kingsbury, this is driving down Frank at about 80kms.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

I alway enjoy spending time in Kingsbury

Not only do I enjoy the company of my friends who live in Kingsbury and their pets but, I love how peaceful it is here. My house is reasonably quiet for a house on the island of Montreal, but with open windows in summer, I hear the traffic on Pierrefonds blvd, and the fire fighters.

Here it's peaceful. Though they live in the town, there are so few homes, you barely feel the other people, whereas where I live I always feel the other people, and after 4 days up the 401, I really did not want to feel people and their weird energies.

I'm feeling very contemplative this morning.  Dunno if it's because I went to sleep at 6:30 instead of waking up at 6:30 but it's changed my perspective somewhat.

Happy the trip in Toronto is over. Happy to have Monday off, so I can contemplate life more. See the good and flush the bad.

I was so burnt after the trip to AMD in Toronto. How I managed to drive myself  out of town... and it was a record short drive. Took me barely 2 hours despite fact I had gotten to sources when I realized I was wearing shoes and I wanted to wear winter boots. Good thing I did. It's been SNOWING WOOOOOT!!!!

So driving Saturday around lunch is a good time. I didn't get traffic around St Bruno on the 30, didn't get traffic going between the 30 & the 20, didn't get traffic on the Mercier, and didn't get traffic anywhere on the 20, which is amazing.  Also didn't go 90 for km's on the 20 in the left most lane, was able to do 118 most of the way and pass several police car with radars with no ill effects.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

How does one overcome trust issues?

Compared to 10 years ago, I can generally say I have better self-esteem. I am fairly confident with who I am and comfortable. Though sometimes too apologetic. I shouldn't apologize all the time for who I am. I am who I am. And I sound like Popeye.

But I have trust issues. I suspect everyone with ulterior motives. It's not just me. It's a very French Quebecois thing to be paranoid about other people's intentions.  Or to be suspicious of anyone who I is too nice. Any one who seems to really like me, makes me wonder why they do. I shouldn't wonder. I'm someone likeable, if you like weird and quirky, and I sure do.  I mean I'd like me as a friend. I make an awesome friend, moody but very dependable.

These days if I get a compliment, my first reaction is to be pleased and accept the compliment graciously. However a few hours later, I'm analyzing and over analyzing why that person might have given me a compliment, instead of being my normal self and just taking it at face value and moving on.

Something to discuss again with therapist no doubt on Tuesday.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Torana sucks....

Not happy camper this morning. My laptop crashed coming out of sleep and now just boots to a desktop in safe mode.

I fell asleep early cause i felt like crap and was awake at 2 am. Could not get back to sleep.  Was up at 5 am. My back is twingy, im nursing a fucking cold sore in my right nostril and i developed a mouth sore too. Some food i ate past few days did not agree with me.

I just hope the nausea subsides after  breakfast cause a5 hour drive with nausea sucks. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

SUSFU in Toronto

It's 6am and I can't sleep anymore.  For one there's not enough bedding on my bed, not heavy enough. I wasn't cold, but just not comfortable. I do like the suite I have at the Residence Inn Marriot Markham, better then the room I had at the Garden Hilton last time.

Kitchen & entrance door
 It's just down the street from the Garden Hilton and actually a bit closer to the AMD offices.  I remembered the area well and was able to co-pilot very well.  We even went for dinner at the Markville Mall yesterday. Must go back there with a bit more time to check out the FabricLand, last night co-worker was tired from not having slept night before due to getting stomach flu from his son who was sick all last week-end.  {note I really wish I don't get it, but I brought my strawberry extract}.

You can see the bedroom next to dining table.

  For some reason I was really pining for a Taco Bell 7 layer Burrito. Though I could not eat the bread since it is not gluten free.  Sucks that mexican take out is marred in wheat. But I digress.

Bedroom and bathroom

I can't sleep anymore because all I hear are gale force winds at the moment from my room. So I took the time to do my employee evaluations and today I must finalize my equipment budget. I mean the timing of this trip is just adding to the extra work I need to do.

Living room part of suite.
I just noticed the time, I have less then an hour to get dressed and ready for breakfast so running off.  For the record, I still hate Toronto.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014


So I woke up at 5 this morning to be at work by 6:30 but  the colleague I'm travelling with hit traffic and its 7am and I'm still waiting.

Other then the fact my left hand has bruised middle finger knuckle and a blister on the finger next to it.

yeah not feeling it this morning. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

I baptized the new deep fryer

I tried my new deep fryer tonight, and while it works the same as my old one,  I manage to splash oil on my finger and now I have a nice blister.  So the deep fryer baptized me.

I also finished another dress on Sunday. I bought this fabric because I loved the print. Between the black and white and the spirals, and its handkerchief look, I love it. But however it was viscose. I generally don't like viscose and while some idiot in a fabric store argued that rayon and viscose was the same, I strongly disagree. I love wearing rayon but I didn't like how this fabric felt. I'm warm and sweaty and at the same time I am cold.  So this is the last viscose I buy.

Simplicity 1804 with a black viscose knit
Butterick 1804

Week-end mixed bag

Uncertainty drives me crazy.  I prefer knowing, even knowing something won't happen rather then be in a state of uncertainty. It took 2-3weeks for work to decide they were shipping me to AMD and then the details took a while to materialize.

Been also trying to see my Lebanese ex now for the better part of 2 months and he's hopelessly busy these days. If it's not one thing, it's another.  After labour day week-end I needed to talk to him but by the time I get to see him, most of what I want to say will have vanished in my vast memory library in my mind.

My friends from Kingsbury were supposed to drop in Saturday night, but at the last minute, she got called into work on Sunday, so they could not drop in. I won't say I wasn't disappointed 

The good things of this week-end included buying a George Foreman Mean Lean Frying machine off some black dude on Kijiji.  For some reason he decided it would be better to meet at a Timmy's in NDG. So we met him there. My friend went into the Timmies to see if he was there and get breakfast, and she tells me "No one there with a deep fryer" and I happen to look out the window and I see a black man running and smiling holding a deep fryer in a Natural food store bag.

Debbie, who's been living with me for almost a year, and I were really missing French fries after my last George Foreman deep fryer died.  So we're back in business. I'll be able to make Batata Harra again :)

Need to get out of bed and get into work early today. Tomorrow, Toronto. BLEAH!!!!!

Sunday, November 09, 2014

This week-end's sewing project

Butterick 3223

I decided to use an old Butterick pattern from  1993  to make this dress. The suggested fabrics included jersey's and knits. So I used the smallest size and removed the zipper and it fits beautifully.

Saturday, November 08, 2014

Ground Moose Hobo Stew

Moose Hobo Stew
I had 1lb left of the Moose meat and decided to make hobo stew. I used ground moose, garlic, onions, celery, potatoes, carrots, parsnips, peas and corn.  First I stir fried the onion, garlic and celery in coconut oil, to which I added the ground moose, and continued stirring until the meat was browned. Then added the rest of the veggies, stir fried a few minutes more. I added about 2 cups worth Oasis vegetable juice. brought it to a boil and let the stew simmer until the potatoes and carrots were tender. For seasoning I added salt, ground black pepper, sage, thyme, rosemary, marjoram, cayenne, as well as 2 tablespoons of  chili garlic cock sauce.

It was delicious. I specifically made it so it's a meal with lots of veggies and a little meat.

I love and HATE shopping at the same time

I do enjoy walking through endless stores filled with fashions to get an idea of what's  fashionable. After which I much prefer making my own clothes. Honestly this past 6 months of sewing has been so rewarding.

If I realize that I sew far more prolifically then I can reasonably benefit, I'm going to look into programs that donate clothes to poor children.  I love making children's clothes, I love shopping for fabric. I can make pretty dresses. Every little girl who likes dresses deserves a pretty little dress. I am well aware not all girls like dresses, and I respect that.  I also like making oshkosh type overalls, with cute animal appliques and turtlenecks for both genders.

I went to Carrefour laval today, was there maybe an hour and a half. I targeted Maison Simon, looked briefly at the sweaters, I would like to replace one of my long sweaters, but these days they are all wrap around sweaters and I find buttonless sweaters useless.

I went straight to the tights section and found that they carried merino wool tights in 4 colours. oatmeal, light grey, dark grey and black.  I picked up a pair of black ones for my friend who was looking for some as well, and one dark grey and one oatmeal coloured for myself.  I was also hoping to find olive green tights, at least in cotton, but no such luck.  I did buy a pair of burgundy type colour in cotton.

I stopped at Hush Puppies, to see if I could find a new pair of dress black winter boots. I gave away almost all my winter footwear a few days ago along with a giant bag of clothes.  Had no luck. This one pair I liked were fine for fall/spring, and waterproof, but I want winter boots.

I stopped at Old Navy to check out the coats, mine is easily 3-4 years old. I had it already at Occupy Montreal in October 2011.  They had olive and black in this years model of my coat. Sadly the XS while fitting properly elsewhere did not give me the shoulder room that my current coat does. Was dissapointed to be honest as it felt very much like my current coat, which is hot, but not too hot and is perfect for fall, spring, warmer winter days and driving.  Also would prefer to get a reddish coloured coat. Will look after Christmas, I might luck out.

Then I went to American Eagle Outfitters and picked up a pair of jeans. I need to go through what I have of jeans and get rid of lots of pairs. Especially pairs smaller then size 2, that haven't fit in a while.

So tally, I got 3 pairs of tights and 1 pair of jeans. Things I'm not likely to make myself.

On an unrelated topic, I was told I am intoxicating by my fwb, that I met back September 15th on POF.  I'm thinking that's a good thing, seeing that I like his company very much.

Friday, November 07, 2014

Happy Friday!

For some time the morning DJ on 99.9 The Buzz would play this song on Friday mornings.  So seeing it's Friday I wanted to hear this song.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Brace yourself it's Movember!

It's that time of the year for the cheesy 'staches to show up everywhere.  Time when some men end up looking like cavemen.

While I joke about the moustaches it obviously works for awareness, so go grow yours today :P

Probably less annoying then the pink ribbon for breast cancer. That everything pink is almost virally for breast cancer.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

Dress from last week-end.

McCalls M6889

Small victories

I persevered and won! Last night was the third night in a row I attempted to finish cutting a dress. I succeeded last night without falling asleep. Would have been the third night in a row I fell asleep cutting the same dress.

Also found out the dates I'm being shipped to Toronto, From the 11th to the 14th of November. Remembrance day!  Will be in a minivan heading to Toronto at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month this year.

Here's a few cute cat photos. Just because

You go to work, I'll sunbathe!

But I have pretty green eyes!

I'm really chill
Toby attacking my Joe Fresh Army green vest, in it's bag
I should add I picked up another Joe down filled vest, this one Army green. I love the black one I got last year so much. I put it on and I don't have to wear 1001 more layers. The down keeps me warm.