Everyone who knows me knows I'm an insomniac.

Apparently there's 3 reasons.

1) Hyper-vigilance due to someone nearly killing me in my sleep as a child.   Anything and everything wakes me up

2) Autism/ADHD.  Apparently though it's known children with autism and ADHD have more sleep issues than NT children, it is only beginning to be studied. I think some thought the sleep issues were related to the medication some children took. 

This was an interesting article on the subject.

There is this article as well.. but I'm not sure I like their conclusions.  I've always had sleep issues. I suspect it might be reason I'm hyperactive. However my lack of sleep did not turn me into an imbecile.

3)  Genetic mutation that allows you to sleep less.   My grandma, my aunt, my eldest and I seem to be able to function on 2 hours less sleep than most people.

So it's been determined.

About a month ago I was evaluated as an adult to see if I was on the Autism Spectrum. The woman who assessed me is part of the West Island Therapy Center where my therapist is, and specializes in diagnosing autism.

Despite seeing me for just one hour in a professional setting, where I was on my best learned behaviours, she was able to see that I was on the spectrum. Things that stuck out for her was the way I use language, sometimes it's very atypical. Also when I was asked to read a story, while my voice had the proper intonations {my mom had me practice reading out loud with right tones...} my body language did not match my voice at all. Also she found my emotions sometimes did not match my body language.  All very subtle stuff to observe in a one hour assessment.

My therapist in the 8 years he'd been seeing me had missed it though as he now looks back he's realizing that things he attributed to 'personality quirks' were actually behaviours on the spectrum. He says that with women, unless you are especially non verbal, even a trained therapist in learning disabilities can just think the person is quirky rather than autistic.

I'm happy with this assessment. For the first time in my life I KNOW what is 'wrong' with me so to speak. I've always known I was different though not to what extent. As I got older I realized to what extent. Now I have to realize that instead of thinking I'm a loser who can't do anything right, I have to start looking at the fact that despite my limitations, I have managed to get pretty far in life and I should stop beating myself up for mistakes. I'm different not less.

Also this does not negate the ADHD diagnosis, the ADHD is just a subset of the ASD.

Something loves to have fun at my expense.

Something out there LOVES to fuck with my head. To play with my insecurities. Happens usually when I like someone a lot. That anything and everything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Sometimes I think I'm just paranoid, other times I feel I've got tangible proof that something or someone is out to get me. Or at least play with me for fun. "Oh you want that do you? Well FUCK YOU! You ain't getting it". Or "You want it, run, run, run like a headless chicken..."

Then I start looking at circumstances and I can't imagine that there's so many things always fucking up. If I have spare time, he doesn't. Even when he thinks he has time for me, it gets chewed up by 1001 things.

This morning I thought again for the nth time I accidentally called him. I was pressing on a facebook email on my phone at the time so I really had a "da fuck" moment. Apparently that was overheard before I hung up. Then I went to look at my call log and realized I didn't accidentally call, it was him who called. Apparently it was accidental as well, he meant to text me, that his laptop died.

{My laptop died last week...?!?!?!}

Well we talked twice this morning, and discussed this thing that likes to fuck around. And he felt it was there too from the day we met at Timmies, that time his phone vanished!!!

Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean there isn't someone out there waiting to get me....

If you love someone with ADD/ADHD

This article is to the point.  The one line I've heard way too much in my life is "control your emotions".  Though I must admit that since I stopped getting angry over things I have no control over, I've been in a better place and less likely to blow up.

Understanding ADHD

Great article about ADHD

Symtoms of Celiac Disease

I think I'm an introvert

At least after reading this I'm almost sure I'm an introvert

ADHD as described by dr Hallowell

What is it like to have ADHD? What is the feel of the syndrome? Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. First of all, I resent the term. As far as I'm concerned, most people have Attention Surplus Disorder. I mean, life being what it is, who can pay attention to anything for very long? Is it really a sign of mental health to be able to balance your checkbook, sit still in your chair, and never speak out of turn? But anyway, be that as it may, there is this syndrome called ADD or ADHD, depending on what book you read. So what's it like to have it?

Some people say the so-called syndrome doesn't even exist, but believe me, it does. Many metaphors come to mind to describe it. It's like driving in the rain with bad windshield wipers. Everything is smudged and blurred and you're speeding along, and it's really frustrating not being able to see very well. Or it's like listening to a radio station with a lot of static and you have to strain to hear what's going on. Or, it's like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm. You have to build a structure to protect yourself from the wind before you can even start on the cards.

In other ways it's like being supercharged all the time. You get one idea and you have to act on it, and then, what do you know, but you've got another idea before you've finished up with the first one, and so you go for that one, but of course a third idea intercepts the second, and you just have to follow that one, and pretty soon people are calling you disorganized and impulsive and all sorts of impolite words that miss the point completely. Because you're trying really hard. It's just that you have all these invisible vectors pulling you this way and that, which makes it really hard to stay on task. Plus, you're spilling over all the time. You're drumming your fingers, tapping your feet, humming a song, looking here, looking there, stretching, doodling, and people think you're not paying attention or that you're not interested, but all you're doing is spilling over so that you can pay attention. I can pay a lot better attention when I'm taking a walk or listening to music or even when I'm in a crowded, noisy room than when I'm still and surrounded by silence.

What is it like to have ADHD? Buzzing. Being here and there and everywhere. Someone once said, "Time is the thing that keeps everything from happening all at once." Time parcels moments out into separate bits so that we can do one thing at a time. In ADHD, this does not happen. In ADHD, time collapses. Time becomes a black hole. To the person with ADHD it feels as if everything is happening all at once. This creates a sense of inner turmoil or even panic. The individual loses perspective and the ability to prioritize. He or she is always on the go, trying to keep the world from caving in on top.

Lines. I'm almost incapable of waiting in lines. I just can't wait, you see. That's the agony of it. Impulse leads to action. I'm very short on what you might call the intermediate reflective step between impulse and action. That's why I, like so many people with ADHD, lack tact. Tact is entirely dependent on the ability to consider one's words before uttering them. We ADHD types don't do this so well.

Many of us with ADHD crave high-stimulus situations. In my case, I love casinos, the high-intensity crucible of doing psychotherapy and having lots of people around. High stim situations can get you into trouble, which is why ADHD is high among criminals and self-destructive risk-takers. It is also high among so-called Type A personalities, as well as among manic-depressives, sociopaths and drug users. But it is also high among creative and intuitive people in all fields, and among highly-energetic, highly-productive people. Which is to say there is a positive side to all this. Usually the positive doesn't get mentioned when people speak about ADHD because there is a natural tendency to focus on what goes wrong, or at least on what has to be somehow controlled. But often once the ADHD has been diagnosed, and the individual, with the help of teachers, parents and colleagues, has learned how to cope with it, an untapped realm of the brain swims into view. Suddenly the radio station is tuned in, the windshield is clear, the sand storm has died down. And the child or adult, who had been such a problem, such a nudge, such a general pain in the neck, starts doing things he'd never been able to do before. He surprises everyone around him, and he surprises himself. I use the male pronoun, but it could just as easily be she, as we are seeing more and more ADHD among females as we are looking for it.

Often these people are highly imaginative and intuitive. They have a "feel" for things, a way of seeing right into the heart of matters while others have to reason their way along methodically. This is the person who can't explain how he thought of the solution, or where the idea for the story came from, or why suddenly he produced such a painting, or how he knew the short cut to the answer, but all he can say is he just knew it, he could feel it. This is the man or woman who makes million-dollar deals in a catnap and pulls them off the next day. This is the child who, having been reprimanded for blurting something out, is then praised for having blurted out something brilliant. These are the people who learn and know and do and go by touch and feel.

These people can feel a lot. In places where most of us are blind they can, if not see the light, at least feel the light, and they can produce answers apparently out of the dark. It is important for others to be sensitive to this "sixth sense" many ADHD people have, and to nurture it. If the environment insists on rational, linear thinking and "good" behavior from these people all the time, then they may never develop their intuitive style to the point where they can use it profitably. It can be exasperating to listen to people talk. They can sound so vague or rambling. But if you take them seriously and grope along with them, often you will find they are on the brink of startling conclusions or surprising solutions.

What I am saying is that their cognitive style is qualitatively different from most people's, and what may seem impaired, with patience and encouragement may become gifted. The thing to remember is that if the diagnosis can be made, then most of the bad stuff associated with ADHD can be avoided or contained. The diagnosis can be liberating, particularly for people who have been stuck with labels like "lazy," "stubborn," "willful," "disruptive," "impossible," "tyrannical," "a space shot," "brain damaged," "stupid," or just plain "bad." Making the diagnosis of ADHD can take the case from the court of moral judgment to the clinic of neuropsychiatric treatment.

What is the treatment all about? Anything that turns down the noise. Just making the diagnosis helps turn down the noise of guilt and self-recrimination. Building certain kinds of structure into one's life can help a lot. Working in small spurts rather than long hauls. Breaking tasks down into smaller tasks. Making lists. Getting help where you need it. Maybe applying external limits on your impulses. Or getting enough exercise to work off some of the noise inside. Finding support. Getting someone in your corner to coach you, to keep you on track. Medication can help a great deal too, but it is far from the whole solution. The good news is that treatment can really help.

We who have ADHD need your help and understanding. We may make mess-piles wherever we go, but with your help, those mess-piles can be turned into realms of reason and art. So, if you know someone like me who's acting up and daydreaming and forgetting this or that and just not getting with the program, consider ADHD before he starts believing all the bad things people are saying about him and it's too late.

ADHD - don't beat yourself up for it.

Great article to help with self esteem if you have ADHD.

Ten Facts You May Not Know About ADHD

Ten Facts You May Not Know About ADHD
(www.commonhealth.wbur.org)

When you think about ADHD, what do you imagine? If you’re like most people, it’s probably a stereotypical image of a young boy bouncing off the walls, buzzing with pent-up, unfocused energy.

But many people with ADHD aren’t hyperactive at all, and by the time they reach adulthood, most hyperactive people have calmed down — at least on the outside. This helps explain why Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, which used to be considered a childhood condition, is now being diagnosed in adults as well.

There are some who dismiss the condition as massively over-diagnosed, perhaps as a ploy by drug companies to boost business. And maybe there’s some truth to that on the margins. Not everyone who’s got ideas racing through their head should be medicated. (Just ask most of the faculty at MIT.)

But there are large numbers of people — studies suggest it’s as many as 4 percent of adults – who are profoundly affected by the symptoms of ADHD. Many can’t hold a job or stick with a relationship. They’re chronically late or forgetful. They jump into jobs and purchases and relationships without thinking them through, only to regret their impulsive actions later. They get stuck in self-destructive patterns, fall prey to addiction and depression. And they can’t figure out why they struggle so much more than everyone else.

For this population, a diagnosis can be a huge relief, explaining why they’ve always felt out of step with the world.

Here are a few other things you might not have known about ADHD, drawn from a new book I co-write, Fast Minds, How to Thrive if You Have ADHD (Or Think You Might) published by Berkley Books:

Medication Can’t Fix ADHD

Treating ADHD in adults with medication can be helpful – and it’s often the first suggestion a diagnosing doctor will make. But it’s not enough. Adults with ADHD often need help getting and staying organized, even with their own priorities in life. They may need help at critical moments, making a constructive choice, rather than a destructive one. And they need emotional support to counteract all the negative messages they’ve received all their lives when their actions didn’t meet other people’s expectations.

Not Everyone Who’s High Energy Has ADHD

Our images of ADHD come from celebrities who talk about having it, like singer Adam Levine or actor and game show host Howie Mandel. But many people with the condition struggle to get up off the couch. They were the quiet ones in class who always seemed like they were in their own world. As adults, they may be unsure of what to do, or want to do so many things that they paralyze themselves. On the other hand, there are plenty of people who have some of the traits of ADHD without being impaired by the condition. Some of the same organizational and self-control strategies may help.

People With ADHD Don’t Have Trouble Paying Attention

They have trouble paying attention to the “right” things. They may spend hours playing video games, or tinkering in the basement or writing the Great American Novel. What they can’t do well is control what to pay attention to. If something isn’t inherently interesting to them, it takes a huge amount of effort for them to tune in. For the book, we interviewed one man who felt like he screwed up everything in his life except his parenting, because his late-in-life kids were so important to him, that it was always easy to make them a priority. For another, his children were always having to describe their day two or three times, because he kept tuning out. He didn’t love his children any less, he just struggled to keep his attention on them. This can be a huge problem in a relationship, of course, with spouses and parents dismissed as uncaring.

There Isn’t One Brand Of ADHD

Everyone’s traits, struggles and ability to cope are different. Some people with ADHD are hugely popular, the funniest, most interesting people in every room – even as they struggle to pay their bills or hold down a job. Other people can’t maintain relationships, but are great in emergencies, when the pressure and thrill of the moment seem to give them super-human powers.

Intelligence Has Nothing To Do With ADHD

There are Harvard professors with the condition, as well as stockbrokers, firefighters, housewives, shop clerks, business owners, writers and artists. Being smart can help people with ADHD perform better but having ADHD says nothing about someone’s intellectual capabilities. Through a genetic fluke or cosmic joke, people with ADHD often have other diagnosable conditions as well, such as learning disabilities, depression or addiction problems. It’s as if whatever happens to give the brain attention challenges also strikes elsewhere to create more trouble.

Many People With ADHD Struggle With Short-Term Memory

They can remember where they grew up, but not the meeting their boss told them about 3 minutes earlier. Having a good calendar and reminder system can be one of the most important strategies for someone with ADHD.

Many People with ADHD Have Trouble Sticking To Healthy Routines

Research shows that people with ADHD are more likely to have problems with sleep patterns, for example. Others are impulsive about their eating habits, or never use their gym memberships. Simply ensuring a healthy diet, regular exercise and 8 hours of sleep a night means better self-control and function. But keeping these routines takes special effort for people with ADHD.

ADHD Can Appear Differently At Different Times In Life

We know people who thrived in high school, but fell apart in college, when the workload was higher and they had to wash their own laundry; and people who were huge successes when they were single, but struggled mightily when they had to get their kids out of the house in the morning as well as themselves. It helps to recognize and plan for these extra stresses – and not beat yourself up when life gets harder.

A Key To Managing ADHD Is To Seek Out Places Where You Thrive

An accountant told us that he loves his work because as long as he follows his checklist, he knows he’s doing a good job. A professor hates rules and needs to set his own agenda. They both do their jobs well, but they’d be disasters in the other’s position. Just like everyone else, people with ADHD need to understand their strengths and weaknesses and find or build an environment that will help them thrive. We know people who are the first at work to volunteer for jobs that suit their skills, so they don’t get stuck doing the ones that aren’t a good fit.

ADHD Is A Lifelong Condition

The disorder affects people in multiple areas of their life – home, work, school, relationships, etc. But people don’t have to be captive to their ADHD. As Canadian comedian Rick Green once said of himself: “I used to suffer from ADHD. And now I just have it.”

How to avoid foot in mouth and kvetch at the same time!

Really interesting article that can help clods like me avoid saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Different types of ADHD

Dr Amen talks about 6 different types of ADHD and according to his subtypes I'm most likely the "Basal Ganglia" or "Ring of Fire" type. It fits my problems and my description. It also fits that stimulants aren't that helpful with this type of ADHD and that diet makes all the difference in the world.

Racing brain anyone?

ADHD Awareness week Expo

Here is a link to ADHD awareness Expo

The Wonderfulness of Me

The Wonderfulness of Me

If you took all of the things that were special about me, you could put them all together and call it ADHD.
No better, No worse, just different that's me.
I'm really not crazy, please try and see.

As I daydream and drift, you think no one's there, but nothing could be farther from the truth, believe me I swear.
I see your impatience as my mind starts to wander, but you don't know the depth of the thoughts that I ponder.
For creative thinkers get lost in deep thought, which leads to the illusion that they cannot be taught.
I know trying to reach me can give you the blues,but I wish for just once you could walk in my shoes.
To see things through my eyes, you would be amazed, at the speed and sheer volume my thoughts seem to blaze.
I'm not lazy or stupid, if only you knew, how truly difficult it is to limit myself and think like you do.
So show me some patience, as I'm patient with you.
Just a little tolerance it's long overdue.
Please try and understand me, along with my ADHD.
It's a very big part of the wonderfulness of me.

[Someone posted it in my ADHD group on Facebook and I'm sharing it]

Awesome blog goes inside the head of an ADHDer

I just read a blog written by someone in the ADHD group I belong to on facebook. Awesome read. If you were unclear on the concept of ADHD and what goes on in the brain of someone with it, this blog will really put things into perspective.

ADHD and self control

Another short video clip where Dr Russell Barkley talks about ADHD, this time about self-control.

     

One more, short video, also about emotions, moods and emotional impulsiveness in ADHD.

ADHD and Raw Emotions

I've spent most of my life being told to control my emotions. That my reactions were too intense. That I needed to fix that. Everyone complains about it.  Dr Russell Barkley explains so well what happens to me in this video.

He explains my raw emotions, and the fact I'm extremely excitable without having a mood disorder. I apparently do a good job at controlling it some, since I've been working at the same company for 20 years and have yet to throttle a supervisor :)

Hoarding, therapy and amusement.

I've been seeing my therapist for over a year, possibly close to 2 years, and he specializes in children with learning disabilities though he will treat adults that fit in that sub category as well, just he has more children patients.  I've been finding it amusing at times and not so amusing at other times, how often my appointments get moved around or shifted. 

We agree on an appointment and 2 or 3 weeks later his assistant will email me to ask if my appointment can be changed. Sometimes like the session in February, it was cancelled due to some unforeseen circumstances on his behalf. This turned out to be a godsend since I was in bed sick as a dog! 

I went to see him last night for the first time in 3 months,  and he calls me in, but the people in the waiting room ask if he wasn't supposed to see them.  I know my appointment was confirmed the night before and he called me in so I know I'm the person booked, but apparently he was double booked. He told me somewhat embarrassed that it wasn't the first time.  I joked with him, it's not so bad to double book so long as you don't do it to the same patient more then once :P

Therapy has been very helpful this time around. I finally have the best understanding of myself. Knowing I have ADHD is so helpful. It permits me to be less harsh with myself and more forgiving. It's normal for a person with ADHD to make a lot of mistakes and to be distracted. If I don't beat myself up over it, then I'm a lot less angry. The important part is to catch the mistakes, not to be hard on myself.  Next session I find out if it appears that I have co-morbidities with it. I mean other then OCD which I'm been aware I have since I was fairly young.  So long as I watch my diet and take care of myself the OCD stays well under control. 

Also my last fear, the fear of becoming a hoarder, might pass because I'm slowly getting rid of things instead of hoarding.  I'm hoping my friends with the new apartment take some of the extra furniture I have.  The less stuff there is in my house the more cathartic it will be for me.

Did the number of hyperactive people change?

New guidelines recently suggest that children as young as 4 should be treated for ADHD.  I don't disagree that the younger you catch a problem, the better you can address it, but I'm completely against medicating children that young. I'm against medicating anyone unless there is no other solution.

What got me thinking though is all these kids being diagnosed as hyperactive, do they ever get to go outside and run?  My mom, despite being a first grade teacher, never saw me as hyperactive. She used to say I needed to move.  But she'd suggest I go outside and run when I would get too hyper or antsy inside the house. I had a bicycle from age 6 onward and I'd spend a lot of time on it riding around.  Before the bike I had a tricycle. I also had roller skates, the type made out of metal that would go over your shoes and grow with you. In winter I went ice skating a lot, most parks in Quebec have a skating rink in winter, where the baseball or soccer field would be in summer.

Heck, when my mom couldn't send her first grade class to recess outside because of inclement weather, she'd find a way to play a game in the classroom that would get the kids moving. She always felt children shouldn't be expected to sit still 24/7. That children should move around and play outside.

I wonder what percentage of kids who the schools feel they need to medicate for "discipline" issues, would not require it if outside of school they had opportunity to go to the park  and play, or run outside, ride a bike, play a sport, roller skate etc... I bet you most of these kids are always stuck sitting somewhere, whether it's sitting in a car being driven to school - because parents think it's too dangerous for kids to walk or too far, sitting at home watching TV, or playing on computer or playing a game on some form of gaming device. Most probably never get to just to play outside  and move!

Just something to think about.....