I feel Blearrrrrrrrrrrgh

I woke up around 4 this morning needing to get to the bathroom really fast. And a few more times since. I wonder if I picked that one up from co-worker with whom I travelled, or in Toronto itself, as we went to malls, restaurants, hotels....  but I'm not well.

I thought I'd fought off the cold saliently. Other then sore throat on/off the past week-end I was feeling, ok, though a bit worn out.  The trip to Toronto sucked the life out of me. 

At least I got lots of hugs and cuddles  and tlc from my friends in Kingsbury. I always feel so much better after spending time with them.  Their company helps me recharge batteries. I also love sitting next to a fire, that recharges my batteries. nothing like sitting in front of a fire for a fire sign :)

Today I'm feeling particularly alone. Today I'd actually like to be mothered. It doesn't happen often that I feel this way. Or that I can vocalize it.  I generally don't allow others to help me, or to mother me. I'm particularly vulnerable as well because I'm not feeling well. Usually I have a huge wall around me of grump especially when I feel off, as it makes me vulnerable, today, not so much.

I've often been reproached that I don't let others in or let them help me. There's so many reasons, but ultimately I think part of it is I hear in my head "you got in this mess, you get out of this mess yourself", then there's the pride thing that kicks in, I'm strong I can get through anything and then there's the fact I'm emotionally needy or so I'm told and I can't gauge that. And in most likelihood I'm probably all or nothing, too emotional and needy with some and too together and independent with others. There's the fact that if I just break down and let someone in, all the walls come down, all the filters come down and all the flooding comes, I'm going to be a mess for hours, more intense than anyone could handle, including my mom. 

 Probably a good thing I'm seeing therapist tonight. I can reason a lot of this out. This along with those trust issues.

Read a really good article the other day about boundaries. I really never want a co-dependent relationship again. It's so not good for me. I'm guessing it's not good for anyone, but I know it's particularly bad for me.

Mooooving on. well I still feel blearghhh. Going to see if my blueberry oatmeal is in an eatable state at this point. and then going back to bed. Maybe I'll feel better next time I wake up?  One can hope.

Torana sucks....

Not happy camper this morning. My laptop crashed coming out of sleep and now just boots to a desktop in safe mode.

I fell asleep early cause i felt like crap and was awake at 2 am. Could not get back to sleep.  Was up at 5 am. My back is twingy, im nursing a fucking cold sore in my right nostril and i developed a mouth sore too. Some food i ate past few days did not agree with me.

I just hope the nausea subsides after  breakfast cause a5 hour drive with nausea sucks. 

SUSFU in Toronto

It's 6am and I can't sleep anymore.  For one there's not enough bedding on my bed, not heavy enough. I wasn't cold, but just not comfortable. I do like the suite I have at the Residence Inn Marriot Markham, better then the room I had at the Garden Hilton last time.

Kitchen & entrance door

 It's just down the street from the Garden Hilton and actually a bit closer to the AMD offices.  I remembered the area well and was able to co-pilot very well.  We even went for dinner at the Markville Mall yesterday. Must go back there with a bit more time to check out the FabricLand, last night co-worker was tired from not having slept night before due to getting stomach flu from his son who was sick all last week-end.  {note I really wish I don't get it, but I brought my strawberry extract}.

You can see the bedroom next to dining table.

  For some reason I was really pining for a Taco Bell 7 layer Burrito. Though I could not eat the bread since it is not gluten free.  Sucks that mexican take out is marred in wheat. But I digress.

Bedroom and bathroom

I can't sleep anymore because all I hear are gale force winds at the moment from my room. So I took the time to do my employee evaluations and today I must finalize my equipment budget. I mean the timing of this trip is just adding to the extra work I need to do.

Living room part of suite.

I just noticed the time, I have less then an hour to get dressed and ready for breakfast so running off.  For the record, I still hate Toronto.

Long week before release.

Most who read this blog know I was shipped to Toronto Monday July 21st and came back on the Thursday. I was sent to Toronto because the company I work for is producing a product based on an AMD chip.

In some ways it was a thrill, because ATI technologies, has been my favourite graphics vendor for over 20 years.  It was too bad that it wasn't before the merger with AMD. I suspect the company mentality was different before being bought by AMD

The products I've been working on are out as customer samples and I have to get a release on our website by Monday morning.  I've been working on this project for easily a year and it's been a long year. This project has by far been the most confusing, with the least possible documentation.

Usually I get some form of specification which helps me understand the software and drivers. This time, nothing. Trying to get information is like pulling teeth.  Also because those responsible for drivers aren't in our building or even in the same city,  and the guy who is our go to guy at AMD, while being an outstanding human being, is a lousy tester. He tries, he really does. But it means I get to revisit scenarios over and over and over again.  To prove to my bosses, that yes, the problem is still there. Why they aren't seeing it at AMD... your guess is as good as mine.

Some time ago, I ranted about Eyefinity cards. I talked about how much more congenial our software and interface is then theirs, but how their graphics engine was far more awesome then any of ours. Well we will now have the best of both worlds. Our very user friendly, configurable software interface with their kick-ass hardware.

I have to say, I've been validating the AMD version for 8 months and our spin-off since mid july, my specialty is to find catastrophic fails in display drivers.  Their driver is reasonably well validated, as I found very little display driver issues per say.  Most of the issues I'm finding are communication issues between their driver and their low level interface which talks to our interface. 

This week and next week are going to be killers, with many hours of overtime. Hopefully what gets posted on the web Monday as a beta for customer samples is going to be a success. We worked really hard like headless chickens in the past few months, would be nice to see some results.

Of course while all this is going on, this is when I start going through CVs and am doing interviews for hiring interns that would start in January. I started yesterday with 3 CVs and it's going to continue. The timing is so wrong but if I miss the deadlines I miss having interns and that would be a bad thing. 

Also our June equipment budget  only got approved in July and while the purchaser was on vacation, so while I'm trying to get this release out the door, I've been flooded with new equipment . Most is unpackaged but I still have a huge box of items to tag before distributing it.  I have LCD's that are doubled on shelves because I don't have the bandwidth to re organize my benches and my teams work benches. And if this wasn't enough, we got maintenance to postpone waxing our floors THIS week-end. That would have meant that all systems are shut down for week-end, and all cables rolled up otherwise EVERYTHING gets caked in wax.. That's going to be next week-end.

So much excitement, can I contain myself

Highlight of trip to Toronto has been jaywalking and taking photos of geese in parking lots.

You can tell how impressed I am.

We should be leaving today after lunch. 

HONK!

My colleague and I took a walk through the back parking lots of many of the companies next to each other and in back of a company called Lexis Nexis was a group of Canada Geese, just chilling....

Still there......

So I had someone take a photo of me in front of the building after lunch yesterday.

Toronto....Markham

I've been joking for years that after dark they should roll up the side walks in Toronto, and well, I'm still feeling it 30 years later.

We are in Markham which seems to be more like an industrial area. In fact around AMD, there is mostly other large companies, hotels, and restaurants and very little else.

For some reason it reminds me of Dubai. Between the smog, the wide open spaces and the high rises, and even the heat today...  The only thing is that it's never humid in Dubai. Thank God!

People at AMD have been very nice to us. I'm somewhat thrilled to visit ATI technologies even though I doubt anyone will give us a tour.

Sitting in their IT training room next to the Atrium, you hear the fountains running, it's kinda pretty.

Went for a walk last night and well this shows well the endless nothing.