I feel Blearrrrrrrrrrrgh

I woke up around 4 this morning needing to get to the bathroom really fast. And a few more times since. I wonder if I picked that one up from co-worker with whom I travelled, or in Toronto itself, as we went to malls, restaurants, hotels....  but I'm not well.

I thought I'd fought off the cold saliently. Other then sore throat on/off the past week-end I was feeling, ok, though a bit worn out.  The trip to Toronto sucked the life out of me. 

At least I got lots of hugs and cuddles  and tlc from my friends in Kingsbury. I always feel so much better after spending time with them.  Their company helps me recharge batteries. I also love sitting next to a fire, that recharges my batteries. nothing like sitting in front of a fire for a fire sign :)

Today I'm feeling particularly alone. Today I'd actually like to be mothered. It doesn't happen often that I feel this way. Or that I can vocalize it.  I generally don't allow others to help me, or to mother me. I'm particularly vulnerable as well because I'm not feeling well. Usually I have a huge wall around me of grump especially when I feel off, as it makes me vulnerable, today, not so much.

I've often been reproached that I don't let others in or let them help me. There's so many reasons, but ultimately I think part of it is I hear in my head "you got in this mess, you get out of this mess yourself", then there's the pride thing that kicks in, I'm strong I can get through anything and then there's the fact I'm emotionally needy or so I'm told and I can't gauge that. And in most likelihood I'm probably all or nothing, too emotional and needy with some and too together and independent with others. There's the fact that if I just break down and let someone in, all the walls come down, all the filters come down and all the flooding comes, I'm going to be a mess for hours, more intense than anyone could handle, including my mom. 

 Probably a good thing I'm seeing therapist tonight. I can reason a lot of this out. This along with those trust issues.

Read a really good article the other day about boundaries. I really never want a co-dependent relationship again. It's so not good for me. I'm guessing it's not good for anyone, but I know it's particularly bad for me.

Mooooving on. well I still feel blearghhh. Going to see if my blueberry oatmeal is in an eatable state at this point. and then going back to bed. Maybe I'll feel better next time I wake up?  One can hope.