Comes the Dawn

It's been a long time since I read this, and needed it today:

Comes the Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much,
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong
And that you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn...,
With every goodbye you learn.

Author Unknown

Trust Issues

How does one overcome trust issues?

Compared to 10 years ago, I can generally say I have better self-esteem. I am fairly confident with who I am and comfortable. Though sometimes too apologetic. I shouldn't apologize all the time for who I am. I am who I am. And I sound like Popeye.

But I have trust issues. I suspect everyone with ulterior motives. It's not just me. It's a very French Quebecois thing to be paranoid about other people's intentions.  Or to be suspicious of anyone who I is too nice. Any one who seems to really like me, makes me wonder why they do. I shouldn't wonder. I'm someone likeable, if you like weird and quirky, and I sure do.  I mean I'd like me as a friend. I make an awesome friend, moody but very dependable.

These days if I get a compliment, my first reaction is to be pleased and accept the compliment graciously. However a few hours later, I'm analyzing and over analyzing why that person might have given me a compliment, instead of being my normal self and just taking it at face value and moving on.

Something to discuss again with therapist no doubt on Tuesday.

I'm not broken just weathered.

I had a friend who often spoke about how his girlfriend was broken. It's a perception I know.  I'm not broken. Just weathered like my 45 year old Maytag dryer!

I was thinking this morning about how most of the time, the thought of being touched creeps me out. Or even hurts at certain times.  This thing is both physical and psychological.  I don't like being touched sometimes because I do have sensory issues and there are days where it brings sensory overload and that makes it hurt when I'm touched.  Then there's the part where I have abandonment issues stemming from early childhood, compounded with bad choices in partners. 

I can't remember the last time I let myself melt in someone's arms and for a few minutes at least I felt completely safe. Or I felt in a peaceful state. No I don't even allow it because the last few people I melted with betrayed me in so many ways, I don't allow myself to trust.    It's been easily 20 years since I melted into anyone.   Don't get me wrong, I've loved, I've been close from time to time, but  I prefer keeping my distance.  I couldn't deal with anymore betrayals on that level.

There was a time where I hated sleeping alone. This despite the fact I don't sleep very well to begin with. But I liked the proximity of like minded people. That ship has sailed a long time ago. I really enjoy being alone in my bed and having all the space and no having to touch anyone.  

When it comes to trust, having trust issues seems to run deep in the psyche of the women in my family. My mother as a child under 5, had asked her mom "But I can always trust YOU mom right", and my grand-mother responded that she can't just blindly trust anyone. Not even her own mother. Perhaps she is worth trusting now, but what if she developed mental issues or Alzheimer as she grew old, then she might not be worth trusting.

There are about half a dozen people that I trust as much as I can trust. I do trust my daughters, but they are the only family members I do.   There's a few friends that I trust on various levels.  But my trust has been broken and is mostly  not fixable. There isn't enough time in my life to right those wrongs.  Even my mom betrayed me. I understand her motivations, but she betrayed me nonetheless. Did not help with my trust issues. Does not help me now make good decisions concerning relationships.

Does not help build strong relationships when you spend most of your time in a relationship waiting for that moment the other person lies, or cheats or withholds information or somehow destroys the bit of trust you actually have for them.   But that's the truth.