I'm a total basketcase

While I'm trying to formulate how to put things into words all I can hear is the toc-ing of a woodpecker.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to process but I haven't been at work all last week. Could not. I'd get as far as getting dressed packing a lunch and then turning back.  My uncle's death triggered something, not sure what.

I hadn't been able to cry. Not until this morning.  I have cried now 3 times. Once was brought upon chatting with my Lebanese ex, once was brought upon  chatting with my Irish buddy, and the last was reading a sweet email from my boss from last Thursday telling me to take it easy and not stress out over fact I'm not at work.

The crying it was a start but it's not enough. Is there something horrible in my childhood associated with my uncle. I don't think so. Nothing comes to mind. I liked my uncle. Always have. I don't know him well, since he was around the least when i was a child, but the few memories I have of him are good. It's memories I have with my cousins.. some aren't so good. Maybe this is what my uncle's death is triggering, a bad memory with one of my cousins?  Something beyond fact my female cousin is always a mean bitch to me.

Thankfully seeing my therapist tomorrow. hopefully this will shed some light on where the fuck I'm stuck. because this is beyond being an emotional baskketcase. I can't talk to most people. Can't get out of my house or out of my head much.

It's sad when I don't even want to leave the house for retail therapy. I could use retail therapy. Not clothes so much as fabrics [ All the cupros and all the silks ], shoes, value village....

I feel Blearrrrrrrrrrrgh

I woke up around 4 this morning needing to get to the bathroom really fast. And a few more times since. I wonder if I picked that one up from co-worker with whom I travelled, or in Toronto itself, as we went to malls, restaurants, hotels....  but I'm not well.

I thought I'd fought off the cold saliently. Other then sore throat on/off the past week-end I was feeling, ok, though a bit worn out.  The trip to Toronto sucked the life out of me. 

At least I got lots of hugs and cuddles  and tlc from my friends in Kingsbury. I always feel so much better after spending time with them.  Their company helps me recharge batteries. I also love sitting next to a fire, that recharges my batteries. nothing like sitting in front of a fire for a fire sign :)

Today I'm feeling particularly alone. Today I'd actually like to be mothered. It doesn't happen often that I feel this way. Or that I can vocalize it.  I generally don't allow others to help me, or to mother me. I'm particularly vulnerable as well because I'm not feeling well. Usually I have a huge wall around me of grump especially when I feel off, as it makes me vulnerable, today, not so much.

I've often been reproached that I don't let others in or let them help me. There's so many reasons, but ultimately I think part of it is I hear in my head "you got in this mess, you get out of this mess yourself", then there's the pride thing that kicks in, I'm strong I can get through anything and then there's the fact I'm emotionally needy or so I'm told and I can't gauge that. And in most likelihood I'm probably all or nothing, too emotional and needy with some and too together and independent with others. There's the fact that if I just break down and let someone in, all the walls come down, all the filters come down and all the flooding comes, I'm going to be a mess for hours, more intense than anyone could handle, including my mom. 

 Probably a good thing I'm seeing therapist tonight. I can reason a lot of this out. This along with those trust issues.

Read a really good article the other day about boundaries. I really never want a co-dependent relationship again. It's so not good for me. I'm guessing it's not good for anyone, but I know it's particularly bad for me.

Mooooving on. well I still feel blearghhh. Going to see if my blueberry oatmeal is in an eatable state at this point. and then going back to bed. Maybe I'll feel better next time I wake up?  One can hope.

How does one overcome trust issues?

Compared to 10 years ago, I can generally say I have better self-esteem. I am fairly confident with who I am and comfortable. Though sometimes too apologetic. I shouldn't apologize all the time for who I am. I am who I am. And I sound like Popeye.

But I have trust issues. I suspect everyone with ulterior motives. It's not just me. It's a very French Quebecois thing to be paranoid about other people's intentions.  Or to be suspicious of anyone who I is too nice. Any one who seems to really like me, makes me wonder why they do. I shouldn't wonder. I'm someone likeable, if you like weird and quirky, and I sure do.  I mean I'd like me as a friend. I make an awesome friend, moody but very dependable.

These days if I get a compliment, my first reaction is to be pleased and accept the compliment graciously. However a few hours later, I'm analyzing and over analyzing why that person might have given me a compliment, instead of being my normal self and just taking it at face value and moving on.

Something to discuss again with therapist no doubt on Tuesday.

Good session

I had a good therapy session. I was annoyed at myself for getting so angry at the moron in our help-desk on Friday. I even left work at noon, because I was too angry to focus, be productive or have the patience for my interns.  My boss was really supportive too. The only thing he told me is that the moron at the help-desk is not even worth my anger.  He's right too.

It's so nice that my boss supports me. Of course it helps we've probably been working together for 17 years now.  I joke he's the longest relationship I've had with a male not related to me.  But it's the truth. And at least most of the time these days I feel supported when I have problem. It probably helps that I can identify my problems bettter and know how to ask for help.

To get back to the session, I described how angry I got. How I left work at noon, and went home. I spent about 1 hour on my ADHD forum on Facebook and some of my friends from the UK were in a silly bantering mood, and after spending an hour with them, I was in a great mood.  I love those people to bits. I have never met any of them in real life, but they are sometimes my saviour.  I even ended going skating and that was so therapeutic, until my fucking skates broke!!!!

But I didn't fume all week-end. Though I was apprehensive to take a voice mail from the said help-desk moron yesterday, in the end it was just to tell me equipment was in. I did get animated describing how angry I was at the guy... because I can always relive those anger moments.

Therapist pointed out that I dealt well with my anger. Even though I still got angry.  So I'm seeing the positive. I also didn't get angry at myself for getting angry. Just annoyed.  Like when am I going to learn that it is pointless to get angry over things I have no control over or morons that I know are just morons!!!

Hoarding, therapy and amusement.

I've been seeing my therapist for over a year, possibly close to 2 years, and he specializes in children with learning disabilities though he will treat adults that fit in that sub category as well, just he has more children patients.  I've been finding it amusing at times and not so amusing at other times, how often my appointments get moved around or shifted. 

We agree on an appointment and 2 or 3 weeks later his assistant will email me to ask if my appointment can be changed. Sometimes like the session in February, it was cancelled due to some unforeseen circumstances on his behalf. This turned out to be a godsend since I was in bed sick as a dog! 

I went to see him last night for the first time in 3 months,  and he calls me in, but the people in the waiting room ask if he wasn't supposed to see them.  I know my appointment was confirmed the night before and he called me in so I know I'm the person booked, but apparently he was double booked. He told me somewhat embarrassed that it wasn't the first time.  I joked with him, it's not so bad to double book so long as you don't do it to the same patient more then once :P

Therapy has been very helpful this time around. I finally have the best understanding of myself. Knowing I have ADHD is so helpful. It permits me to be less harsh with myself and more forgiving. It's normal for a person with ADHD to make a lot of mistakes and to be distracted. If I don't beat myself up over it, then I'm a lot less angry. The important part is to catch the mistakes, not to be hard on myself.  Next session I find out if it appears that I have co-morbidities with it. I mean other then OCD which I'm been aware I have since I was fairly young.  So long as I watch my diet and take care of myself the OCD stays well under control. 

Also my last fear, the fear of becoming a hoarder, might pass because I'm slowly getting rid of things instead of hoarding.  I'm hoping my friends with the new apartment take some of the extra furniture I have.  The less stuff there is in my house the more cathartic it will be for me.