I'm a total basketcase

While I'm trying to formulate how to put things into words all I can hear is the toc-ing of a woodpecker.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to process but I haven't been at work all last week. Could not. I'd get as far as getting dressed packing a lunch and then turning back.  My uncle's death triggered something, not sure what.

I hadn't been able to cry. Not until this morning.  I have cried now 3 times. Once was brought upon chatting with my Lebanese ex, once was brought upon  chatting with my Irish buddy, and the last was reading a sweet email from my boss from last Thursday telling me to take it easy and not stress out over fact I'm not at work.

The crying it was a start but it's not enough. Is there something horrible in my childhood associated with my uncle. I don't think so. Nothing comes to mind. I liked my uncle. Always have. I don't know him well, since he was around the least when i was a child, but the few memories I have of him are good. It's memories I have with my cousins.. some aren't so good. Maybe this is what my uncle's death is triggering, a bad memory with one of my cousins?  Something beyond fact my female cousin is always a mean bitch to me.

Thankfully seeing my therapist tomorrow. hopefully this will shed some light on where the fuck I'm stuck. because this is beyond being an emotional baskketcase. I can't talk to most people. Can't get out of my house or out of my head much.

It's sad when I don't even want to leave the house for retail therapy. I could use retail therapy. Not clothes so much as fabrics [ All the cupros and all the silks ], shoes, value village....