How not to rape....

Interesting read about nurturing.

I used to say I looked for men with a strong feminine side.  I liked people that are not stereotypically their gender. However I've recently realized that what I've always been looking for is for a male that nurtures. That was one thing I loved about my step-dad, he was a very nurturing men.  I've realized my current SO is one of the most nurturing men I have come across.

This article suggests that the opposite of rape culture is nurturing. Considering how much time I've spent recently going on about the rape trial this article balances things. It highlights that not all men are dangerous, there are those who nurture the people they love.

Why report you have been sexually assaulted?

In Canada it seems there is no justice for those sexually assaulted. It amazes me that victims of other crimes never get victimized like sexual assault victims. No one tells a woman who has had her purse stolen that it was a he said she said....

A few notes on Jian Ghomeshi

I have more to rant about this.....

[From Charlie Angus, on Facebook]

I have known Jian Ghomeshi casually for 25 plus years. What did I learn from the trial? 1) That a woman who remembers being beaten is not considered credible because she didn't know the make of his car. 2) That famous people can afford lawyers known as "Hannibal Lecter" for their ability to take sexual assault witnesses apart. 3) That Jian won't bother to refute any of the charges because as some law expert says: "There are many reasons why an accused elects not to call evidence. One of them is that the complainants have been destroyed in cross-examination.'' 4) That Jian flourished as a predator in what should have been the safest organization in the country and that the legal system continues to fail women and 5) that nobody close to Jian even pretends he is innocent, and somehow this isn't an issue -- the women are.

No Consent equals rape....

Bill Cosby used to have a routine about date-rape. It makes things even more creepy, to realize that someone most of us admired is just a creepy rapist who doesn't even realize he's a RAPIST!!!!

It never ceases to amaze me how hard it is for some people to get the concept of consent!!!

People suck!

I don't mean that in a sexual way or a good way.  Lots of people on this earth are selfish narcissistic assholes. One of the New Delhi rapists, the one who was driving the bus was interviewed about his predicament, and he clearly puts the blame on women for being raped. She was out of her house past 9 pm.  She fought back? Now all women who are raped in New Delhi will be killed because of the bigger penalties he says. He also says it's all the woman's fault for being raped.

I still think in countries where rape is rampant, curfews should be put on males. After all they do the raping!  The view that a woman was asking for it, just drives me batty.  Like saying just because you breathe you deserve to be raped.

Suggestions for avoiding rape include dressing more conservatively, not flirting, staying home etc... Like WHAT THE FUCK?  Have they read statistics, men rape for POWER. They don't care if you're pretty, or sexy or young, or  what have you. Women are raped at all time of the day, NOT JUST AT NIGHT, like everyone would have us believe.  It was still light outside when I was raped.

People suck also because they are judgmental assholes.  It's like they think that people going through financial difficulties should not live. Before people give others help they judge them, and decide if they are worthy of help.

Even people going through a rough time need some form of entertainment, otherwise how the fuck do you expect them to get through the rough time.   A steady diet of austerity combined with depression and other hardships isn't going to help the person get out of their miserable situation. Occasionally you need a pick me up.  Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture and not just at an immediate situation.  You have to look at the sacrifices they made in one aspect of their life so that they may indulge a little bit from time to time, even when going through a more difficult period.

Most of my friends are going through financial hardships. My buddy in Ottawa, my friends in the townships, my friend who is living with me, my Lebanese Ex hubby,  my friend in Ireland..... I don't' judge them. I don't start looking for fleas... "Oh she went out Friday night, she can't really be struggling".   Yeah she went out, and had 1 drink that her friend paid. And you're going to judge her for that?  She should stay home and cry because she is broke?  Or he's having beef for dinner he can't possibly be broke, but you don't know he has a farmer friend that gives him meat in exchange for services rendered. And you're going to judge him for that? Or worse they smoke cigarettes or weed, and people expect them to stop cold turkey because stopping those activities are going to be enough to make ends meet? Seriously?

It's always easy calling the kettle black, but sometimes the pot should look at itself closely. Perhaps the pot is just as black and acting like a complete douche canoe!. Or in French we like to say you notice the straw in your friends eye but not the beam in your own..  "On voit la paille dans l'oeil de son voisin, mais pas la poutre  dans le sien " 

Saudi Historian needs a pole up his.....

Some buffoon Saudi historian claims women drive in other countries, because WE DON'T CARE IF WE GET RAPED. 

I'd love to know where he gained this knowledge? Has he traveled to other countries and raped women and then interview them to know how they felt? If he did, he's a bad Saudi, and a bad Muslim, he shouldn't be looking never mind touching women who he isn't married to or related to.  And if he didn't then WHAT the fuck does  he know about women in other countries?

When he was made fun in the interview, he added that Saudi Arabia should hire foreign women drivers to drive their women?  Really? Because the law in Saudi Arabia differentiates between local women and foreign women?  Last I checked if you are ANY FEMALE caught driving in Saudi Arabia, there will be penalties. I'm guessing if you're a foreigner, you will be fined and deported.

I have to feel sorry for Saudi women stuck with neanderthals like this buffoon.  I have hope that one day our Saudi sisters will be allowed to drive their cars, without the risk of rape....

I mean you'd think if they fear rape so much they would JAIL ALL THE MEN. After all it's MEN who rape women.

"She was gagging for it? "

Some top lawyer in the UK seems to think that if you're drunk you're consenting.  Perhaps someone should spike his drink with some date rape drug, shove a stick up his ass and then tell him he was "gagging for it" since he was drunk and consenting.

Anyone can be raped, that's the reality. You really think because you're a male you will never get raped? Let someone toss you in jail for a few weeks and come back to tell me that you had sex willingly with another man in those conditions.

It pisses me off to no end when a male with some amount of power goes off and says things like "She was gagging for it". I bet you he probably also feels that there was no child abuse at the BBC, and children make up stories about abuse.... Oh and if they were drugged they were probably "gagging for it".

3rd woman assaulted at UBC

Lets hope they catch the man who has been terrorizing the UBC campus in Vancouver. This is the 3rd assault in weeks.  Women on that campus should use the buddy system when coming home after dark.

Hopefully the man is caught quickly before someone gets raped.

Why are we still blaming the victim's behaviour?

A statement made by a female advice columnist to young women was basically "don't drink if you don't want to get raped". By that logic, I'm surprised she didn't suggest young women also stay home and don't date.  I'm surprised she didn't call for a curfew on all young women to make sure women were home safely!

I remember reading that when Golda Meir was asked to put a curfew on women following a series of rapes suggested that it is the men that should be under curfew as they were the ones committing the rapes.  Yet Golda Meir is supposed to be no friend of women, despite having been a woman in power.  But she got it, to not blame the victim but the attacker.

I never told my daughters not to drink, but I did tell them if they got really intoxicated they could always call home to ask for a lift because people will take advantage of a drunk person. That we wouldn't lecture them about drinking, we'd just pick em up no questions asked. 

Ultimately why are women still blaming the victim?  I was raped and I wasn't drunk or intoxicated enough to not know what was happening. I was VERY AWARE I was being raped. I chose not to fight because I didn't want to have broken bones on top of sexual violence.  I don't remember drinking that night, but if I did it was one or 2 beers, nothing to make me lose control or not know what was happening.  I didn't really start to drink or do drugs to excess until AFTER I was raped.

I've rarely seen campaigns aimed at men saying "NO MEANS NO" and "Rape is bad". No often when a woman reports a rape, we get told, "You were originally willing, now you changed your mind".  What amazes me the most is women who still blame the victim? Or people who will tell me not to divulge I've been raped because it makes me damaged goods!    Right. Would you say that to someone who was beaten up in an alley to get his wallet stolen?

People don't even take no for simple things. I remember having a huge confrontation with a door to door salesmen who would not take no for an answer and sadly had managed to corner me in the hallway leading to my apartment. Trust me if I had been in the apartment I would not have answered to his knocks.  He was selling long distance telephone plans. From the minute he talked to me I told him I was not interested. He kept insisting. When I finally got into my apartment I slammed the door, locked it and yelled "NO MEANS NO MEANS NO". ANd I heard him yell back in the hallway "STUPID BITCH". Yes.. I'm a stupid bitch because you could not bully me into signing a long distance phone contract I did not need and could not afford. But I'm the bitch!!!!  And most people would see it as me being out of control, because I stood my ground and did not let a jerk bully me.

Rape education should be aimed at men.   You shouldn't be turned on by an unwilling participant!!!! 

Is Dubai trying to be more modern?

I was truly impressed this morning when one of the headlines was "Dubai pardons rape  victim".

Dunno if it was due to international pressure, or if the UAE is realizing it's laws offer no protection to women who are raped?  As I've stated in a previous blog, rapes often occur where there are no witnesses, the laws of the emirates have no provisions for this.

Happy New Year or is it?

I started the new year sick as a dog. I was bedridden from the 1st to the 5th, and then wasn't so hot until I had to go to work on the 7th. Gotta love how I often spend half of my Christmas vacations sick.

I really hope that having started 2013 sick isn't a sign of what's to come.  I've been pretty upset with the rape in India and the stupid comments to come out of it. The lawyer representing some of the 5 men who gang raped and killed a woman, says she was responsible for her rape.

It amazes me that in 2013, women are still considered like furniture with no rights. I mean it seems in India they treat cows better then they treat female humans. And what woman asks to be raped to the point where her intestines get ripped to shreds with a metal bar? I mean seriously? Rape her with a metal object and that's ok because she's sub human  It blows the mind!!!!  I'd like someone to shove a metal bar up the ass of all those men, and then ask them how it felt?

Rape isn't a 'feminist agenda'. Men get raped too.....

And using the word rape casually in video games is really NOT COOL for those of us who are rape survivors as this male survivor of rape rants on for several pages. Well worth the read.

Victim sues the Police feels betrayed.

I believe I wrote about her before, but there was another article in the news.   I hope she wins her lawsuit. I hope her rapist, the disgraced former base commander of CFB Trenton, rots in jail forever.

As of September 18th

PUBLIC BANISHMENT ORDER: Issued against the Corporations known as the Roman Catholic Church, Anglican Church, and United Church of Canada

This is a step towards healing in Native Communities. They have undoubtedly been hit the hardest by sexual and physical abuse perpetrated by the clergy of the said churches over at least a century. The reason I say this is because native children were put into residential schools run by the clergy. These poor children had nowhere to go during the entirety of their formative years.  I could go on about things clergy did which amount in some cases to genocide. 

This is a positive step and I hope that it will encourage healing of the various communities the hardest hit by "religion".

Outraged at OPP

I could not believe my eyes when I read the gazette this morning and stumbled upon this gem.  This woman was attacked and raped in her own home for hours and despite being left tied in her bed in a harness she managed to call 911 for help.

Lots of help the OPP gave her. They had her wait FIVE HOURS in the harness NAKED in her bed while waiting for a photographer. FIVE HOURS.  The worst part is that the OPP knew there was a predator in this particular neighbourhood who had been breaking and entering homes and stealing woman's garments. Still they left her like this FIVE HOURS.  Once they took the pictures, she was allowed her bathrobe and they still kept her on the scene for several more hours INSTEAD of giving her medical attention. 

I would sue everyone who was responsible for this travesty of justice. I'm outraged, appalled and a bunch of other things.  Treating the victim like she was responsible for her attack. I'm starting to think the OPP needs sensitivity training. 

First you have a dumb ass from the OPP who says women should not dress like sluts  to avoid rape - which incited "Slut walks" throughout the world. Now you have other OPP members who treat a rape victim like she was a suspect and do not get her medical treatment in a timely fashion.

The women of the Middle East

I blogged a week or two ago about the women in Dubai, and in general the UAE, to highlight their position in Emirate society.  I stumbled upon an interesting article by Naomi Wolf about women in the Middle East. One of the point she highlights is that once women change in a society, everything changes, and the women in the Middle East are going through a radical change. She points out how the women in Egypt and Tunisia weren't just taking part in the protests but helping lead them.  That part of the reason they were so peaceful was because of the women and the children that were also with them. 

I suppose this is why in Libya Gadaffi's encouraged his armies to use rape as a "weapon of war". Attack half of the population by violating them and figure it will break down the rest of the society. 

I've also read that in Syria women were being raped by the various "security forces". Of the extent of this problem won't be fully grasped until the uprising is over. 

However I've also read of a movement in Syria where young men are saying that they will marry women who have been raped, sight unseen.  I hope this movement spreads throughout Syria and also to Libya.  I'm happy there are men who realize that being raped is never a woman's fault, and always her attackers fault, and she shouldn't have to carry the shame of being spoiled for others.  It's hard enough to deal with having been forcefully violated, but to be cast aside by society and sometimes your family due to the shame is inconceivable to me. 

I have been raped and what has helped me deal with the rape is talking about it. Telling other women that rape doesn't only happen to others, it can happen to any woman. Rape isn't about what you did, it's about men who want control. I have never allowed anyone to see me as less worthy a human being because I was raped. 

On the topic of rape, the "SlutWalks" that started in Toronto have spread all over the world, with one in London this month.  Some of the criticism of these walks includes that women are now defining themselves in male terms.  I have issues with that. I don't dress for men, I dress for myself. I like wearing clothes I find attractive on myself.  My mom used to tell me as a young woman to not wear shapeless clothing. That I had an attractive body and I should wear clothes that makes me look good.  Not once was it mentioned I was dressing for men.   My mom's point was that if you feel good about who you are you should also be projecting a positive image with your clothing. That it was all one package.

Besides it wasn't a woman who told a bunch of York university students to "Not dress like a slut". It was a male police officer. I wonder what this male police officer would have to say to the Libyan and Syrian women who have been raped in the Arab Spring, never mind those in Somalia, Afghanistan and other troubled countries?

Toronto "Slut Walk"

There's a ready made Fark headline, but I digress.

I blogged several weeks ago about this incident, where a member of law enforcement told women at a personal security class that "women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized". Well I'm not the only woman who found it highly offensive. Hence the "Slut walk" in Toronto.

I hope it drew a lot of attention and make people realize that blaming the victim is not helpful. Not to the victim who blames herself, not to the perpetrator who will likely continue perpetrating this type of behaviour.

Women don't ask to be raped

I can't believe that a police officer said at a safety and security forum at Osgoode Hall Law School “I’ve been told I’m not supposed to say this, however, women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.”

The first thing it does is make victims feel like they were responsible for being raped.  The whole comment "not dressing like sluts" for starters is so subjective. In some countries unless a woman's skin is completely covered and she is wearing loose opaque clothing, she's considered a slut. On the other side of the coin you can go to a beach in brazil or in Europe with nothing but a thong and that's not considered slutty. And you have every dress style in between.


I remember back in the earlier 90's the loser I dated for about 1 1/2  years decided to judge the way I was dressed. He asked me if I was going to work like that. I was wearing a skirt that was maybe 2" above my knee. He commented that if he was my boss he would send me home to get changed . That what I was wearing was completely inappropriate and would be very distracting to male employees.

For starters, if a male cannot do his job in the presence of a female then he's the one with the problem. The second  argument I had for this loser, was that since he found long flowing skirts more sexy then short skirts because it leaves to the imagination, then by his reasoning his female employees could not wear short or long skirts. Then of course there are women who wear slacks, or jeans. Plenty of men find women in pants sexy, so women can't wear those to work either.

So basically he was telling me that because I was female I should stay home and out of sight so that I was not distracting to men.  Funny argument for a kept man. I was the one with the job, he stayed home full time. I told him that if he wanted to continue dating me he was not to comment on the way I dressed for work in the future.

Especially considering I work for a company that has no dress code, and where one of the two owners wears Bermuda's, polo shirts and flip flops in the summer. In the 18 years I've worked there I've seen the man in a suit exactly once. It was also the only time I saw him wearing a shirt and tie. Normally he wears khaki's or jeans in the winter.

I still can't believe in this day and age in a country like Canada where woman's equality is guaranteed under the charter of rights, that people in law enforcement would still make such stupid comments.  I mean how does this guy explain when 80 year old grandma gets raped? "Sorry grandma you didn't cover those varicose veins and sagging breasts enough. You were asking for it".  I mean people never say that to males who get raped, that it wouldn't happen if he had dressed differently. It's scary to have a police officer who still believes this misconception.

How does this officer explain the fact that rapes are just as frequent in societies where women are completely covered?   I mean it's easy to constantly blame the victim. 

Rape is not about sex. It is about power, control and humiliation. Women of all ages have been raped and there is no conclusive evidence to suggest  any type of dress or behaviour would have made it more likely to have happened.