Broken

I have not been physically well since some time last week, between the cold sores and the flu like symptoms for sure I was fighting something.

But it's my mind that has been broken. Since the news of my uncles death, I have been in a place I hadn't been since my dad's death. I've been struggling with my dad's death now for over 12 years and I thought I was making progress, but this has spiralled me back years in terms of processing.

That's the problem is that I am not processing emotions anymore. I feel over whelmed all I want to do is to hibernate and be alone.

I have slept more the past 5 days then I've slept the past year!  Me sleeping a lot usually signifies I'm not well in one way or another.Not sure when I'm seeing my therapist next but I could so see him today. Maybe I'll message and see.

I've barely been eating, have no interest in food. It's hard. Usually when I'm this low I have had a significant other who makes sure I get fed. Right now I'm not really paying that good attention. I'm trying to eat 3 times a day, but one day that meant I had 4 eggs and a few crackers with cheese.

I've always had a hard time eating when I'm upset and processing or trying to process emotions. I feel like such a basket-case today.The worst part is that it's 8:15. I was ready to leave for work at 8. I had bathed, brushed my teeth, even gotten dressed, and got into the truck and well that was all the energy I had.

Feeling better

I wish I wasn't so explosive at times.  Sometimes very little can set me off in a big way, and very big douchebags. I know the guy at work is a moron and has no filter.  I shouldn't have gotten so mad. But apparently I've been bottling emotions.

I feel old, unwanted and unattractive.

The way I'm feeling is making me feel miserable. Mostly because my feelings are so insignificant. I mean I'm upset probably because I just had a birthday.  While I'm feeling sorry for myself,  I know people who are homeless, who don't know when their next meal is going to materialize. I know the people in Syria might not have enough food, water, heating fuel, cooking fuel, required medicines or medical care, but here I am feeling miserable for myself.

I really don't have much to complain about and yet here I am feeling like someone destroyed my world. I'm having a hard time fighting the feelings and it makes me feel even worse. How can I feel sorry for myself when others are in such worse shape and they keep going.  I sit here crying over spilled milk so to speak when others have no idea where their next meal is coming from.

Really pissed over life's stupid insignificant absurdities

The things that led up to me being pissed off isn't relevant. The real reason I'm pissed off is that my routine is all screwed up because of events beyond my control, and having to get around these events is causing me lots of stress. I also don't deal well with my routine getting screwed. It sucks to admit it but it's the truth. 

I also have days where I don't deal well with the small annoyances of life. Some people are more patient with that then with others.  Today to top it off I've been playing "Let's change the appointment time again" with my therapist.  If it's something I have a hard time with, it's dealing with appointment changes. I can't help but wonder if he does it on purpose, but it drives me ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. 

I originally had an appointment on Wednesday at 7pm. Then about 2 weeks ago it was changed to Thursday at 7pm.  Today I was asked if I could come at 4pm. No because I'm planning to work till 7pm on Thursday since I'm only in 3 days it will be 3 long days to get through my work.  So finally we agreed on Tuesday at 7:30pm which is tomorrow. 

I suppose this isn't a bad thing. If I'm still in this mood tomorrow I can talk about why I get so angry over routine disruptions.  I always struggle with change. Too much change drives me crazy. Whether it's change I impose on myself or change that others impose on me.   The irony is over time I deal well with change and I do adapt but the period where I'm adapting I'm generally really grumpy about it. 

I'm trying to think why this kind of change is so hard on me. I've always been like that. Every time I go somewhere new, any time I go somewhere familiar and things change, it stresses me out. And yet at the same time I get bored easily and need this kind of new stimulation, I mean I go out of my way to try out a new grocery store or a new mall.  It's not like I never try new stuff, I try new things all the time. But it seems I have low tolerance for new experiences on some days. And on those same days when things don't go my way I feel like I was a 4 year old having a tantrum. I also feel like I have as much control over my emotions as a 4 year old those on those days.

It's sad. My boss, who's been working with me for years knows how poorly I can deal with announcements of change so he has a talk with me first to tell me about changes, knowing fully well it's going to take 2 more weeks before he can have an intelligent conversation with me about it. My first reaction is to see everything that can go wrong and at times on some days, it's like it hits me like a brick and I all I can see it's that the change is bad and I respond very abruptly. I'm not purposefully snappy, it just happens because I'm busy processing the fact there's a change.  There's other times where he takes me aside to tell me something he thinks I'm going to react poorly too, and I can feel him bracing himself and I just smile and say "Oh that's nice" and move on to another topic and I'm sure he wonders...

I think I freak out over change because whenever there is a change I have to change part of the process and I already know I have processing issues, really that's what ADHD is about for me. Which means when I have to deal with change I also have to deal with maybe double or triple the processing issues. Which means I make more mistakes and I'm annoyed at doing things differently and keep making mistakes  I mean I may be intelligent and generally I'm quick to think and reason stuff out but other things I'm slow to process. Very slow I suspect.

Well trying to figure out why I was pissed today was actually somewhat helpful. I'm not so pissed off anymore. I'm just simmering 

It's also kinda stupid that I can't get out of the mood because I have a day off, it's a beautiful sunny day and I'm sitting here still simmering.   Even the new pair of shoes didn't help. [Though I will blog about those later when I'm in a better mood. They are really rocking shoes!]

It seems like the easier solution

I was left profoundly touched by Bill Zeller's last words.  I mean who's to say what enough hurt is?  Who's to say when you've had enough? When it's too much pain?

People always tell me I'm over sensitive to everything. I've realized it's part of my ADHD nature. I'm over sensitive. Not just to words, but to touch and other things. People also tell me to control my emotions. Like if I could control my emotions I'd be this emotional?  Its easy for someone who's not emotional to tell me to 'snap out of it'. It's always much easier for those looking from the outside to criticize us, but until they have walked a mile in our shoes, what do they know?

And no matter what hell someone else has lived, no one understands your own personal hell. Sure I wasn't molested repeatedly as a toddler nor did I live through war, but I lived through events throughout my life that left me profoundly affected. Sometimes it means I need to be alone for days just to find my way through my darkness. Just to realize that life isn't all bad, and that I have to strive to live for those fleeting moments of happiness, where the darkness seems to have cleared even for a few moments. 

I don't understand why everyone needs to decide how I should handle my dark moods, and my moments of depression. Basically all I ask is to be left alone and somehow that really bothers some people.  My ex never understood it and never left me alone when I specifically asked to be left alone. He feared that I'd hurt myself.  If I really wanted to hurt myself, no matter how much I was watched I would. 

I mean for instance I stopped drinking when I was 19. Back in 1982.  I haven't had a drink since. No matter how bad it got, no matter the darkness. But I'm not allowed the alone time in case I might hurt myself.  Right. 

One of the stupid things that was told to me recently was to snap out of it because it's affecting others. Great. Another reason to add as to why I should end it. At least if I wasn't around my dark moods wouldn't be affecting others. 

I wonder if that was a factor in Bill Zeller's choice of ending it all?