Really pissed over life's stupid insignificant absurdities

The things that led up to me being pissed off isn't relevant. The real reason I'm pissed off is that my routine is all screwed up because of events beyond my control, and having to get around these events is causing me lots of stress. I also don't deal well with my routine getting screwed. It sucks to admit it but it's the truth. 

I also have days where I don't deal well with the small annoyances of life. Some people are more patient with that then with others.  Today to top it off I've been playing "Let's change the appointment time again" with my therapist.  If it's something I have a hard time with, it's dealing with appointment changes. I can't help but wonder if he does it on purpose, but it drives me ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. 

I originally had an appointment on Wednesday at 7pm. Then about 2 weeks ago it was changed to Thursday at 7pm.  Today I was asked if I could come at 4pm. No because I'm planning to work till 7pm on Thursday since I'm only in 3 days it will be 3 long days to get through my work.  So finally we agreed on Tuesday at 7:30pm which is tomorrow. 

I suppose this isn't a bad thing. If I'm still in this mood tomorrow I can talk about why I get so angry over routine disruptions.  I always struggle with change. Too much change drives me crazy. Whether it's change I impose on myself or change that others impose on me.   The irony is over time I deal well with change and I do adapt but the period where I'm adapting I'm generally really grumpy about it. 

I'm trying to think why this kind of change is so hard on me. I've always been like that. Every time I go somewhere new, any time I go somewhere familiar and things change, it stresses me out. And yet at the same time I get bored easily and need this kind of new stimulation, I mean I go out of my way to try out a new grocery store or a new mall.  It's not like I never try new stuff, I try new things all the time. But it seems I have low tolerance for new experiences on some days. And on those same days when things don't go my way I feel like I was a 4 year old having a tantrum. I also feel like I have as much control over my emotions as a 4 year old those on those days.

It's sad. My boss, who's been working with me for years knows how poorly I can deal with announcements of change so he has a talk with me first to tell me about changes, knowing fully well it's going to take 2 more weeks before he can have an intelligent conversation with me about it. My first reaction is to see everything that can go wrong and at times on some days, it's like it hits me like a brick and I all I can see it's that the change is bad and I respond very abruptly. I'm not purposefully snappy, it just happens because I'm busy processing the fact there's a change.  There's other times where he takes me aside to tell me something he thinks I'm going to react poorly too, and I can feel him bracing himself and I just smile and say "Oh that's nice" and move on to another topic and I'm sure he wonders...

I think I freak out over change because whenever there is a change I have to change part of the process and I already know I have processing issues, really that's what ADHD is about for me. Which means when I have to deal with change I also have to deal with maybe double or triple the processing issues. Which means I make more mistakes and I'm annoyed at doing things differently and keep making mistakes  I mean I may be intelligent and generally I'm quick to think and reason stuff out but other things I'm slow to process. Very slow I suspect.

Well trying to figure out why I was pissed today was actually somewhat helpful. I'm not so pissed off anymore. I'm just simmering 

It's also kinda stupid that I can't get out of the mood because I have a day off, it's a beautiful sunny day and I'm sitting here still simmering.   Even the new pair of shoes didn't help. [Though I will blog about those later when I'm in a better mood. They are really rocking shoes!]