The injury that is invisible to the eye.

It's amazing how a broken rib can be so invisible.  If you look at me, walking or moving, I look perfectly fine. Except for the fact that I'm still remodelling a rib. It's been 18 days now since it was fractured but it still hurts when I breathe deeply or when I cough. 

I'm still sleeping most of the night sitting up to relieve pressure on my rib cage. I have all of my mobility but I can't lift anything. When I talked to another coworker who broke a rib a few months ago, he seemed convinced it was not just a hairline but a full break.

I will never know unless I get an X-RAY and there's no way I'm spending 8-10 hours in a hospital waiting room just to find out.

Broken Bones

Apparently I do have a fairly high tolerance to pain. It seems that up to today I've broken 3  bones in my body. The first I broke  in my teens. I remember it happening, it was a sledding accident where I hurt my tail bone. I was never seen by a doctor and this injury is probably what causes my back to get completely thrown. Where my back swells is around the tailbone.  My bf works as a patient attendant in hospitals and does have some basic anatomy. He pointed out my tailbone was weird. One side appears different. He isn't the first to point out my tailbone is weird.

My second broken bone, is my 4rth toe on the right foot, that was severely bruised when I kicked a trashcan in anger after a fight with husband #2.  That toe feels different from the left 4rth toe. 

Last week I was off on vacation all week. Sadly before I even got to Monday, I'd managed to get a hairline fracture on an upper rib on my left side.  I spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday mostly in bed feeling very sore. Didn't conclude it was a rib until a week later,  Monday morning, and when I looked up bruised or broken ribs, it explains all my symptoms. I figured it was either a bruise or hairline fracture, but as it turns out, if I'd just been bruised, I wouldn't have spent 3 days in bed. I know it's not broken because you'd feel movement on the broken area. I figure it's a hairline fracture because I have osteoporosis and my bones are Swiss cheese.

The only thing I wished I'd known it was broken before this Monday, since it had been broken 9 days by then. Yep broke the damn thing on 20th of February. The hardest part was sleeping. Lying down to sleep is very painful. Some nights it was taking up to an hour to stop feeling the pain and finally be able to sleep. Never mine having ANY kind of weight on me, then the pain was agonizing. The past few nights I've been sleeping on an angle, and I'm actually getting some sleep.

All 3 of these fractures are the type that doctors can't do much for. They have to heal on their own. The only thing a medical doctor could do more for me is prescribe painkillers, but to be honest, over the counter ones do nothing and ones that would, I don't need to take and get addicted.

However I'm really looking forward to being healed. It's really not pleasant to spend weeks in pain.

Suffering Withdrawal

I'm now suffering withdrawal from my Samsung Galaxy S4 mini! I still don't have a functional phone. These are my options:

1) Getting fixed = $500 or more
2) Buying a new one on Amazon unlocked = $350
3) Buying a 2nd hand one on Kijiji = $140 - $200
4) Getting another phone from Fido {not sure I'm ready to change phones]

For sure new phone could not be bigger then the Galaxy S4 mini!

Broken

I have not been physically well since some time last week, between the cold sores and the flu like symptoms for sure I was fighting something.

But it's my mind that has been broken. Since the news of my uncles death, I have been in a place I hadn't been since my dad's death. I've been struggling with my dad's death now for over 12 years and I thought I was making progress, but this has spiralled me back years in terms of processing.

That's the problem is that I am not processing emotions anymore. I feel over whelmed all I want to do is to hibernate and be alone.

I have slept more the past 5 days then I've slept the past year!  Me sleeping a lot usually signifies I'm not well in one way or another.Not sure when I'm seeing my therapist next but I could so see him today. Maybe I'll message and see.

I've barely been eating, have no interest in food. It's hard. Usually when I'm this low I have had a significant other who makes sure I get fed. Right now I'm not really paying that good attention. I'm trying to eat 3 times a day, but one day that meant I had 4 eggs and a few crackers with cheese.

I've always had a hard time eating when I'm upset and processing or trying to process emotions. I feel like such a basket-case today.The worst part is that it's 8:15. I was ready to leave for work at 8. I had bathed, brushed my teeth, even gotten dressed, and got into the truck and well that was all the energy I had.

I'm not broken just weathered.

I had a friend who often spoke about how his girlfriend was broken. It's a perception I know.  I'm not broken. Just weathered like my 45 year old Maytag dryer!

I was thinking this morning about how most of the time, the thought of being touched creeps me out. Or even hurts at certain times.  This thing is both physical and psychological.  I don't like being touched sometimes because I do have sensory issues and there are days where it brings sensory overload and that makes it hurt when I'm touched.  Then there's the part where I have abandonment issues stemming from early childhood, compounded with bad choices in partners. 

I can't remember the last time I let myself melt in someone's arms and for a few minutes at least I felt completely safe. Or I felt in a peaceful state. No I don't even allow it because the last few people I melted with betrayed me in so many ways, I don't allow myself to trust.    It's been easily 20 years since I melted into anyone.   Don't get me wrong, I've loved, I've been close from time to time, but  I prefer keeping my distance.  I couldn't deal with anymore betrayals on that level.

There was a time where I hated sleeping alone. This despite the fact I don't sleep very well to begin with. But I liked the proximity of like minded people. That ship has sailed a long time ago. I really enjoy being alone in my bed and having all the space and no having to touch anyone.  

When it comes to trust, having trust issues seems to run deep in the psyche of the women in my family. My mother as a child under 5, had asked her mom "But I can always trust YOU mom right", and my grand-mother responded that she can't just blindly trust anyone. Not even her own mother. Perhaps she is worth trusting now, but what if she developed mental issues or Alzheimer as she grew old, then she might not be worth trusting.

There are about half a dozen people that I trust as much as I can trust. I do trust my daughters, but they are the only family members I do.   There's a few friends that I trust on various levels.  But my trust has been broken and is mostly  not fixable. There isn't enough time in my life to right those wrongs.  Even my mom betrayed me. I understand her motivations, but she betrayed me nonetheless. Did not help with my trust issues. Does not help me now make good decisions concerning relationships.

Does not help build strong relationships when you spend most of your time in a relationship waiting for that moment the other person lies, or cheats or withholds information or somehow destroys the bit of trust you actually have for them.   But that's the truth.

Annoying cold and broken furnace

I noticed when I started the furnace up  in mid September that it wasn't working the way it should be. It also seems that the ventilation unit is no longer working. It's not a huge deal, I just had to call Gaz MetroPlus with whom I have a service contract to report the problem so they would send a tech.  They did yesterday, and the furnace is fixed, it now keeps the asked temperature, but the guy did not have a part for the ventilation unit. He will be back today to replace that. The guy saw it misbehave and decided to change it before it completely died on me.

Other then that I've had a cold for over a week. It comes and it goes. I took last Friday off to sleep and get rid of it. I was feeling so much better on Monday. Sadly Tuesday I started sneezing up a storm. Still sneezing and having a runny nose. I don't think it's allergies. It's really annoying because of course everytime I over blow my nose I end up with cold sores in my nostrils.