Broken

I have not been physically well since some time last week, between the cold sores and the flu like symptoms for sure I was fighting something.

But it's my mind that has been broken. Since the news of my uncles death, I have been in a place I hadn't been since my dad's death. I've been struggling with my dad's death now for over 12 years and I thought I was making progress, but this has spiralled me back years in terms of processing.

That's the problem is that I am not processing emotions anymore. I feel over whelmed all I want to do is to hibernate and be alone.

I have slept more the past 5 days then I've slept the past year!  Me sleeping a lot usually signifies I'm not well in one way or another.Not sure when I'm seeing my therapist next but I could so see him today. Maybe I'll message and see.

I've barely been eating, have no interest in food. It's hard. Usually when I'm this low I have had a significant other who makes sure I get fed. Right now I'm not really paying that good attention. I'm trying to eat 3 times a day, but one day that meant I had 4 eggs and a few crackers with cheese.

I've always had a hard time eating when I'm upset and processing or trying to process emotions. I feel like such a basket-case today.The worst part is that it's 8:15. I was ready to leave for work at 8. I had bathed, brushed my teeth, even gotten dressed, and got into the truck and well that was all the energy I had.

Satuday should be a good day.

WTF is wrong with Saturday's. Second Saturday I feel introspective and this week I spent most of today crying. like seriously WTF.

Of course it doesn't help it's grey and wet out today.

 

It snowed one night this week and I went outside at 11pm to dance in the snow, and walked around the house since I was taking photos, and when I past in front of the patio door, who do I see but Ziva the diva sitting on my kitchen table.  Yeah. She thought she could do it since I was outside. :) 

Ah the grey days of January

I've been wanting to cry the past week. Excess emotion I guess.  It's also one of my biggest fears after months without sex, that if I have some I will burst into tears, during or after sex.   This fear is not as bad as when I went celibate for 2 years, between October 2003 till late 2005.  I could not be intimate with anyone because of how raw my emotions were.

It seems my emotions are still raw. But at least I haven't burst into tears at the wrong moment. I've been watching NCIS again from the beginning and many episodes make me cry and this is a good thing.  I miss my weekly chick shows this fall.  I was watching Private practice and Army wives and that got out my crying most weeks.  But both shows are off the air.

It sucks when my emotions are so raw that it ruins any possible intimacy with anyone,  and makes me run away screaming. Thankfully this is not currently the case.

It's been interesting too, I've been in therapy for 3 years. I don't see therapist that often, about every 4 weeks. Not much point in seeing him more often because it takes a long time for me to process my emotions despite emotions just bubbling out and being so incredibly moody.

I seem to be doing better at identifying how I'm feeling, and overall feeling less frustrated, less anxious and less depressed, but I still get moments where I feel so incredibly depressed.  I know winter is hard on me, not enough time spent outside in nature and not enough sunlight.  Its not helpful either, when you wake up it's dark and you leave work it's dark. 

I need to start doing my daily walks in the forest. I went Thursday for 30 minutes, and it was very peaceful. I always feel better after being in the woods. 

Bois de Liesse - path along Ruisseau Bertrand

Need swift kick in ass

Despite being in bed and asleep around 9ish last night, and awake at 5 this morning, I'm still lacking all energy and enthusiasm. What I really need is a swift kick in the ass.

I tend to feel all sorry for myself when there is s much worse then me out there. I'm just a whiner with no excuses. Gotta love ADHD you can make an excuse literally for anything.

I have a job, I have my home, my health, my kids are visiting at Christmas. I get to spend time alone when I need it, so what the fuck do I have to be depressed or demotivated about?

Yes I got some cooking done yesterday. I made Quinoa taboule, batata hara and some hummus balila, but still need to add roasted pine nuts to that. I couldn't believe that I was all out of pine nuts. And I went to 3 different grocery stores yesterday morning. But I didn't think I was out of pine nuts. Went to IGA to get some when I realized I was out and they don't carry pine nuts. So bulk barn it is at lunch today. Need my pine nuts. It's not hummus balila without the pine nuts.

Fridays are overrated.

I tend to hate the time leading to Christmas. I tend to get really depressed. This year I'm particularly depressed. I was going to go walk in the woods at 3:30pm today after work but I had an upset stomach at that point so I really didn't want to walk in the woods.

I know walking daily will make me feel better but I'd need someone to drag me out there. Yet today I really wanted to go walk alone. I really enjoyed walking alone late winter, early spring through Bois de Liesse. I'd go in mid afternoon and walk 20 minutes most days, and often 1 hour on Fridays.

Next week I really have to push myself to go walk each afternoon and help myself get out of this mood. I know I hate this time of the year. Probably because I tend to spend too much time indoors.

Besides  I want to start cooking for my Yule dinner. Have to pick up some pork hocks and some ground pork meat. Also was told about someone who sells Bison meat, that is just fed grass, that it grazes in the field.  I need to get me some stewing bison.

I was asleep by 7:30PM last night, a Friday night. How sad is that?  I thought I'd be up at midnight, but somehow, despite waking up several times to go to the bathroom, I managed to doze in and out of sleep until about 5 this morning.

Fall sucks!

I've never liked autumn much. Don't like the fact the days get shorter, don't like the fact it's much darker and rainier in fall. Just not a huge fan. I can't wait till it ends and winter begins. Nothing gets my blood percolating like a snow storm!!!

Usually I still manage to muster some enthusiasm over Halloween as it is the Pagan new year. This year I didn't even think about the fact October 31st is the day where the veils between the worlds is the  thinnest and I didn't think of those I'd lost this year or in the years before. 

This too shall pass as winter approaches and I'll get the thrill of the first snow storms. I can't wait to move where there will be enormous amounts of snow!!!

Today I have all the enthusiasm of a wet noodle. :(

Rainy day feeling blue

Around lunchtime my gf picked up her 4 cats, that had been staying with me the past few days to keep them out of the way of the movers.  I had put them 4 in the basement while my 4 were upstairs. So for 3 days there was 8 cats in my house. Lucky, Melanie, Merlin and Zoe in the basement, and Spock, Ziva, Jethro and Pixie upstairs. 

So we had fun rounding up the cats, especially Lucky, the traumatized Siamese, who hid. We had to look long and hard to find him. But we eventually found him, and put him in the cage. So my gf, her van filled with 1 husband, 3 kids, 4 cats, 1 dog, and several  boxes of  assorted liquids headed off for New Brunswick.

I'm feeling all out of sorts. For the last 6 years I saw her every day at work.  So leaving a big hole in my life.  So I'm sitting here crying.  I know she'll be back in 3 weeks... and she'll visit afterwards but it's still gonna be weird.

Saturdays

I don't know why it is but I often wake up feeling horrible on Saturdays. This one was no exception. I should have stayed in bed asleep. No instead I've been awake for several hours and I keep wishing I could crawl under a rock.  I dunno why I'm feeling so crappy but I am. Here's the amusing part, my therapist thought I was doing so well when I saw him on Wednesday.

My dad was fond of repeating to me that life isn't fair. He was fond of repeating it to me because I often complained of life's unfairness.  I'm one of those people who's sense of fair is highly developed and very sensitive. It bugs me to no end when something is unfair. Even if I'm not the one who's been treated unfairly. 

The downside to it is that I'm often upset because of life's unfairness. I've had more then my share in the past while. I'm sure I'm not the only person in this world who has had more then their share of crap however not everyone is as sensitive to it then I am.  It's like at times it's all I can see. Instead of seeing the positive I just focus on the negative. It's never helpful. According to what I've been reading though you can change your brain and way of thinking. I'll be working with that from now on.. in hopes maybe one day I can stop being so overwhelmed by my emotions.

I've been crying on and off since I woke up this morning. I couldn't even begin to tell you what set it off or what it is I'm upset about. I can't remember the number of times I called my mom feeling like this and she'd ask me what as wrong and I'd have no answers - just lots of crying. One of those times I feel like just sucks and then you die.

Don't read the news, it's too depressing!

Yesterday no matter which way you looked at the news, there was very little positive. 

The biggest headline was the death of singer Amy Winehouse.  The comments here were mostly, that she should have gone back to rehab. It's sad, she was but 27, an age that seems particularly dangerous for musicians who like to abuse drugs and alcohol.  The sad part is, she is just one person, she shouldn't have been on the top of the headlines.

The 2nd headline was the nearly 100 dead in Oslo, Norway. I believe 7 died from a bomb attack and about 90 died from being shot by a madman. The saddest part of this incident after the fact so many died and about an equal amount of people got injured, was the fact that the first speculation was that it was done by Muslim terrorists.  Goes to show how anti-Muslim the west has become, especially when manifestos come out like this.  You'd think both the 'Christian world' and the "Muslim world" would have both lightened up  in the centuries between now and the crusades. You'd think we'd have learned something, you know? Sadly, the views of the few extremists are now starting to colour everyone else  view.

Then there's the continuing wave of protests in Syria, they say more then 1.2 million marched last Friday mostly in Hama and Deir Ez Zor, but smaller protests happened throughout Syria.  The death toll continues to climb  in Syria[depending who you read it's between 1500-2000] and so do the number who have been arrested, detained and tortured [Anywhere from 12000 to 15000].  Sadly this week they were pounding on Homs again. It didn't prevent some folks from Homs from having mini demonstrations, where people gather, shout slogans and disperse before the Security forces arrive. 

So far the Syrian security forces are not giving up. They continue to target and shoot unarmed civilians.  There is now rumour that some of the snipers are from Iran. There was a train derailed and the Syrian media blames it on the protesters, but as far as we know it could be any number of the Syrian forces and/or Iranians who are behind it, to make the protesters look bad. Much like the Syrian regime is trying to say that it's the protesters that were behind sectarian violence in Homs last week. There is no proof of that.  But again it's hard to get proof when the media is tightly controlled and the ambassadors of France and the US were told they could NOT leave Damascus.

There's still fighting going on in Libya, there's massive protests going on in Egypt as well as violent clashes, there's been a bomb near a military building in Aden, Yemen the 2nd in this city in 2 months, there's been a train derailment in China which caused deaths.

Then there's the situation in the horn of Africa. Things have been bad in Somalia for over 20 years and instead of getting better, now there's drought again, thousands are already believed to have died of famine and thousands of women and children of fleeing in hopes to survive the drought.The men are afraid to travel fearing to be recruited in one armed group or another.

The protests that started in the Arab world now forever known as Arab spring was just the beginning. The wave is spreading, there's been protests in Spain, and Greece, there's been protests in Israel. The theme is similar, people want to be able to make a living. People want reforms.  The reasons behind the protests in Greece and Spain may not include personal freedoms like they do in Syria, but in the end, the needs of people are the same world wide.

That's the thing. Whether we're white or black or red or yellow, whether we're Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Pagans or other, whether we're straight, gay, bi or transgender, whether we're male or female, we're all HUMANS, and it would be nice if we started treating each other with respect instead of being suspicious of anything that isn't familiar.  

Edit 25/07/11: Norwegian death toll was 73 people.   
Edit 26/07/11: Norwegian death toll was 76 people, but I couldn't retain number long enough to re-post it correctly!