I'm all in awe.....

I generally feel like crap. I always feel like I could have done better or tried harder. I often feel I was not enough of a good daughter, good mother, good child, good parent,  good friend, good spouse, good employee, good boss/team leader, good resource for interns,  good whatever. In general.  Instead of seeing that I do try hard to be a good person and to be good to others, I just see my failures. Even if I get 99% right, I just see the 1% that's wrong.

And the past couple of  days, past my blow up/meltdown day, Wednesday, it's an odd feeling [and sometimes I even feel like an imposter], that I'm actually appreciated.  Some people do actually like me. Moodiness and all.

There's this young woman at work that I mentored, like I do to any new girl because working in the almost all male environment takes getting used to. And it helps to have someone to escape to from time to time. My Sailor daughter appreciates the company of other women with whom she might have little in common with,  since being in the Navy sometimes as the one of the few women.  So this girl baked me a birthday cake, it was gluten free, casein free and refined sugar free.   And the note she gave me moved me. Something about when she has a bad day, what helps her cheer up is to come to hang out with me. 

My girlfriend has been staying with me after her surgery and well it was nice to have her around on my birthday and she got me  neat balls to help me with my number fingers and a beautiful Poinsettia. I hope we don't kill this one too. The one I got myself is mostly dead and it didn't make it to Christmas.

One daughter got me a Dragonfly windchime, with a really high pitched chime. Very unique. The other got me a glass coaster/decoration that says "The beauty of a mother's love never fades". and well it's very touching.

It stunned me too that over 65 people wished me a happy birthday on my facebook timeline alone, never mind those who sent me private messages and my buddy in the ADHD group who wished me happy birthday in the group so another dozen or two people there.  Not random strangers, but people I've chatted with.

Something else, in this Private Adult ADHD group on facebook, I've found incredible amounts of love and support.  Where I feel appreciated at least some of the time. Other times I still feel like foot in mouth syndrome. But then that's part of having ADHD.   I've made friends in that group, friends who struggles I can relate to. 

It's rare but at the moment I feel incredibly loved and appreciated and it's from my daughters, and my friends.  It's funny I'm struggling with the emotions. I just feel very special. and I should just go with it.

I had elves in my studio on my Birthday!

Hanging out with my homie!

Spock the jester elf!

Pixie the mischievous elf. 

 

 

 

 

Jethro, trying to be festive.

FUCKING ASSHOLE EX CALLS AGAIN

I haven't been pissed off enough that my asshole Mohawk ex had to call me at work today. Like I needed to hear his fucking voice .

I have fucking nothing to say to him except FUCK YOU.

Must you decorate the cat?

Emergency rooms suck

Yesterday we spent 5 hours in the Heart Institute emergency room, waiting for my friend to be seen by a doctor. The site in her right arm where they had put the catheter for the ablation was sore, and had woken her up several times in her sleep the night before. The arm was swollen and bruised. She was worried she might have a blood clot. We figured the best place she could go to be seen was at the emergency room of the Heart Institute in Montreal since this is where she had the procedure last Tuesday. The staff would be familiar with possible complications post-surgery. 

The good points of having been at that emergency is that it's only for heart patients. So that also means that the majority of the patients there have non-contagious problems.  The downside is that patients were taken in order of severity. Her arm wasn't considered that severe, so it took about 5 hours to be seen. Thankfully the doctor spoke perfect English so she could speak to my friend directly.  

The other good point, is that I got to spend 6 hours with my friend. And although the circumstances were not the best, we had some great laughs, we talked, we giggled, it was like old times. And you have to cherish those little moments in life. Sure it's not a fun place to be, and she would have preferred not to be bra-less in a hospital gown for 5 hours in a waiting room with a really sore arm, that reminded her of this fact each time she moved it a hair, but I had a good time in her company. 

She's going back to the hospital on Monday where they will do an ultra-sound of her arm and hand to see if there is a blot clot. Thankfully since this is in an artery, it is less dangerous, and even if there was a blood clot, they would not need to do surgery to remove it. They just need to give medications and monitor it's progress.  

Personally I'm more comfortable the later she goes back home. I'm concerned about her driving back home if she's not recovered enough or if there are post-surgery complications. She's best followed at the Heart Institute. After all they developed the procedure she had and have only been using for a year on patients.

Canadian women - built tough!!!!

Heart institute of Montreal

My friend had her ablation at the Montreal Heart Institute. It's located in the eastern part of the Montreal Island, at Viau and Belanger, which is not an area fraught with homeless people or the like.  And yet the first time we used the bathroom on the main floor next to the Emergency, we found 2 empty bottles of Black bull hiding being a toilet.

Two days later when I came to pick up my friend, I made a pit stop at the same bathroom on my way to pick up a wheelchair to take her home. Well that time, this bathroom smelled like 20 people had just had cigarettes in there.  That really got my goat. It's a HOSPITAL for HEART PATIENTS. Must you fucking smoke?  Especially when you are 10 feet from outside and you can go smoke outside?  I don't care if it was a patient. You might be fucking with your heart but what about other people?

And the last bitch I have is, yes you're in Quebec, but do you have to be rude and unwelcoming to someone who doesn't speak French?  If you have a patient refereed to your hospital from another province a little courtesy goes a long way. Saying "Speak French, we're in Quebec" is rather insensitive.   It's a fucking hospital, how about treating the patient properly. If the patient has no French, then how are you providing good care if you don't even try to help them in their language.

Other then that the procedure went well. She's all black and blue from the various catheters and tubes that were put inside her, and disoriented due to the sedation, it's giving her LSD like dreams. Other then that my friend is in good spirits and we're all keeping our fingers and toes crossed that this intervention will permit her to have a more normal life, without heart medications.

Good deal on a HDHC card

Went shopping with my friend before her surgery. One place she wanted to go was Best Buy.  I was looking for a new mouse, since the 2 cordless mice I have downstairs on one of my old PC's didn't work anymore.  I also looked around for other deals. I was looking at the camera equipment and I noticed they were selling a Sandisk Class 10 32Gb SDHC for $29.99. This sale ends on December 6th.

 I remembered them being more expensive then that. I checked on my Android and elsewhere it's around $75. So I picked that up. When I bought the new Sony A65, I had only found a 16Gb Class 10 card for a good price, in that case it was $15 at Staples.

As for the mouse, I found a $10 Logitech cordless mouse at a discount store on Begin street in Ville St Laurent.  I could care less that it's a model from 2 or 3 years ago. So long as it works and it worked.  I'd rather buy a brand name mouse from several years ago, then a new no-name. Call me fussy.

More surgery

From her wall post on Facebook, it seems my daughter's surgery went well and she is home, recovering with pain killers. Apparently they put screws in her knee and I made a stupid comment on her wall because I couldn't help myself.  [That and laughter is the best medicine]

Last night I drove my friend all the way to the Montreal Heart Institute where she is having her ablation done this morning.  She was happy I accompanied her into the Hospital for the check-in process as the person at the information desk didn't speak anything but French. The woman who checked her in didn't seem to speak much English either. She was friendly and pleasant enough despite feeling a little under pressure, because it was the first time she was filling out admission papers for an "out of province" patient. However they knew she was coming because when we arrived at the admissions desk, she asked if she was the patient from New Brunswick. I found that highly re-assuring. It meant in my mind they were expecting her and ready for her.

We stayed with my friends during the first 2 hours while they poked and prodded her. There were pre-surgery blood tests. They also put a heart monitor on, one that permits the patient to walk around on her own. We left at 8:30 because I was exhausted and I still had to drive home. I felt bad leaving her there alone, I'm sure she would have liked if her husband, son and I stayed until  they kicked us out, but I was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive home, I felt I was crashing.

As I understood it, she's not the first patient they are operating on this morning, but the second patient. So they will take her sometime between 9 and 10 this morning. Thankfully I was so tired I actually slept last night, for the first time in close to a week.

My baby is having surgery.

So my youngest daughter went into the Hospital at 7am this morning. They will be fixing her ACL. She's hoping that she gets an epidural so she can be awake during the procedure. It's going to take 1 and a half hours, personally for a surgery that long, I'd want to be asleep. But I get it. When my kids were born, I had told their dad, that if they needed to do a C-section on me I did not want to be asleep and miss my babies being born.

Here's hoping that everything goes the best possible for her today. And her leg is the best it can be after this surgery heals!

Some days I feel all upsidedown!

Huskies and Malamutes party together?

I wish I could sleep!!!

To say that I spent 3 months of my pregnancy with my eldest sleeping 16 hours a day.  And now if I sleep 4 hours a night I'm lucky.  I'm feeling sick, and I'm feeling like I need rest, but I have not been able to catch a wink of sleep since I got home around 1pm Friday. I've tried. I've been lying on my couch and in bed on and off and no joy.

Sleep, I want sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. 

Luna is a bitch!

At least that's what one of my buddies in the ADHD group says. Many of us believe he's probably right. I always have problem sleeping on nights where the moon is full. But I have problems sleeping. Gee, like a lot of other people with ADHD. 

And on nights like tonight I HATE myself. I was so tired around 8:30 last night that I lay down on my couch while watching "Corner Gas". Well I was out like a light till about midnight. You think I've been able to sleep since?  I cannot allow myself to sleep before 1 or 2 AM because otherwise I don't sleep till morning. The fact that I slept almost 4 hours means my brain isnt tired anymore. It wants to paaaaaaaartay the rest of the night. 

What's keeping me up, well.. Next Monday, my youngest daughter is having knee surgery to repair a broken ACL. That's some important ligament in the knee.  While they are fixing the ACL, they will also look to see if they can do something for her meniscus. She was supposed to have the surgery a month ago but it was delayed.  

Next Monday night I drop off my friend at the Heart Institute in Montreal. She's having an ablation done Tuesday, in hopes that it resolves the problem where her hearts beats incredibly fast. This is a problem she's was born with, and hopefully this time they will be able to fix her heart so it no longer does this. It's not healthy for your heart to be at 115 bps when at complete rest and go up to 150 bps when getting up just to use the facilities.  Which is where her heart was at for 5 days 2 weeks ago, before it was reset.  Also not something one wants to have done to their person too often. Have heart stopped and have it paddled back to function.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes, and praying that everything will go the best for both.  Thankfully, my 5 releases that were supposed to happen next week have been pushed off a week, so I can at least manage my stress a little better.

Those poor Syrian children

Those poor Syrians in general. Things have not improved, in fact the civil war is spreading. Now there's a blackout in Damascus as the fight for Syria continues and Assad fails to see how much he's screwing his people over.  I keep praying at Assad leaves or that he happens to be a casualty of war. After all he's been saying he's going to die in Syria.

The Syrian conflict has inspired a whole series of cartoons, that expresses the feelings of the various sides.

The situation in the middle east is still deteriorating, with the situation in Gaza and the situation in Egypt not improving either. These are interesting times we live in.

Ziva the Diva!!!

Different types of ADHD

Dr Amen talks about 6 different types of ADHD and according to his subtypes I'm most likely the "Basal Ganglia" or "Ring of Fire" type. It fits my problems and my description. It also fits that stimulants aren't that helpful with this type of ADHD and that diet makes all the difference in the world.

Consider who you donate money to this season

When I hear Salvation Army I think of a place where the poor can find help, like with clothes or small items of furniture.  Generally the fact it's a Christian sect doesn't phase me as it took people that others weren't willing to take in their churches, but apparently they take everyone but gays. 

So if you're considering donating to them, consider this.

Vietnamese hot sauce.

Lately I've taken to making myself eggs with 2 heaping teaspoons of the Sambal Oelek featured on the left.  I find it adds a bit of kick and the most interesting thing is that it seems to settle my stomach.  

What I like about the two jars of  hot sauce on the right is that neither has added sugar in that ingredients list, but if you get the ones in the bottles, they have sugar. so I stick to the ones in the jars.

What's awesome is that there is at least half a dozen places that sell this product in my shopping area. So no problems finding it. I think we'll also be carrying some when we go on camping trips. Also good to keep animals away from your food :)

Berbere stew

I made Ethiopian Lentil stew, or Berbere stew, following this recipe. Its not the first time I make this recipe, but it had been a while since the last time I did it.  It is delicious on a bed of brown rice and is a gluten free vegan meal. I was reading comments at the recipe where some folks suggest that 2 tablespoons of the spice might be too much, I think I put closer to 3 tablespoons. Then again I've been liking my food spicy of late.
 
I also love the Berbere spice mix, to give some kick to my seven-bean salad. The way the flavour of the Berbere spice mix marries with the red wine vinegar and olive oil makes my seven bean salad incredibly unique.