This is one of my goals

Happy New - Bag Humbug!

Here's hoping that 2014 will be better then 2013, or a few other years. Admittedly 2013 was not a completely bad year.  Some of the camping trips were epic. but the trip to Cape Breton SUCKED. Not just because of all the things that didn't worked as planned but because my companion would have rathered been anywhere else and complained the entire trip. 

I enjoyed some of the camping trips, canoeing trips and festivals I went to. Hopefully will have some good trips in 2014. 

Hopefully 2014 is the year I can get my shit together, fix my house, put it on sale and move the fuck out of the city. 

Here's wishing my friend who just left her husband finds work in Montreal and can get herself a place for her son and her. 

Here's wishing my friend dealing with CSST doesn't get to screwed over and that she finds a job suited to her skills and her limitations. 

Here's wishing my friend who just won a lawsuit, gets the money he was promised.

Here's wishing my 2 daughters have a great year.  My baby left Montreal Thursday and it seems Air Canada lost her luggage, here's hoping she gets her luggage back and has a fantastic year with her class.   My eldest left Montreal on the 26th and was on duty the 27th. Here's hoping she gets the courses she needs to become a B ticket this spring [Or whatever it was she was hoping to be trained in]

Here's wishing my Lebanese ex-hubby finds a kick-ass job, far better then the job he lost in the end of 2013. He's an awesome video editor and deserves recognition. Hoping 2014 will be a good year for him. 

Here's wishing that the people in Syria will eventually live in a war free zone. 

Here's wishing that humans are less stupid in 2014 in general.  Well I can only wish. 

Here's wishing the sweet guy I met on POF, that could be a male me, geeky and all,  turns into a good friendship and perhaps more. Chatting with him the past week has proven to be addictive and fun. And note,  he's played the bass in the past, which amuses me to no end.

Seasons Greetings.

I also feel like saying "Bah Humbug". I don't like Christmas, haven't' since being a small child. I still have memories of stalking the Christmas tree at age 3 and telling my mom the next morning there was no Santa, and no Christmas miracles. It was her, that I'd seen her. 

My mom would put the presents under the tree in the wee hours of the morning while I slept and she'd also add the baby Jesus in the crib.  She'd say the angels brought him in the middle of the night. Well not after I was 3. Then he was added Christmas day in the Manger scene!

Today won't be much different then any other day, but I won't leave the house. 

I can't remember when I started hating this time of the year, was it as a teen or was it when my kids were little and the whole pressure to go to in-laws and have gifts ready for a certain time. But I certainly hate it. 

I like the idea of celebrating yule this way I don't look like I don't like to party :)  I don't like to party much but.... well I do like it from time to time. 

My best gifts this year are that those people close to me are well. Those who have had surgery are still here and healing. :) 

My wish for the new year, may all the little Syrian children get to see a life without Civil War. Let Assad leave already before he kills half the country. The longer he stays the worst off the Syrian people will be.

I'm all in awe.....

I generally feel like crap. I always feel like I could have done better or tried harder. I often feel I was not enough of a good daughter, good mother, good child, good parent,  good friend, good spouse, good employee, good boss/team leader, good resource for interns,  good whatever. In general.  Instead of seeing that I do try hard to be a good person and to be good to others, I just see my failures. Even if I get 99% right, I just see the 1% that's wrong.

And the past couple of  days, past my blow up/meltdown day, Wednesday, it's an odd feeling [and sometimes I even feel like an imposter], that I'm actually appreciated.  Some people do actually like me. Moodiness and all.

There's this young woman at work that I mentored, like I do to any new girl because working in the almost all male environment takes getting used to. And it helps to have someone to escape to from time to time. My Sailor daughter appreciates the company of other women with whom she might have little in common with,  since being in the Navy sometimes as the one of the few women.  So this girl baked me a birthday cake, it was gluten free, casein free and refined sugar free.   And the note she gave me moved me. Something about when she has a bad day, what helps her cheer up is to come to hang out with me. 

My girlfriend has been staying with me after her surgery and well it was nice to have her around on my birthday and she got me  neat balls to help me with my number fingers and a beautiful Poinsettia. I hope we don't kill this one too. The one I got myself is mostly dead and it didn't make it to Christmas.

One daughter got me a Dragonfly windchime, with a really high pitched chime. Very unique. The other got me a glass coaster/decoration that says "The beauty of a mother's love never fades". and well it's very touching.

It stunned me too that over 65 people wished me a happy birthday on my facebook timeline alone, never mind those who sent me private messages and my buddy in the ADHD group who wished me happy birthday in the group so another dozen or two people there.  Not random strangers, but people I've chatted with.

Something else, in this Private Adult ADHD group on facebook, I've found incredible amounts of love and support.  Where I feel appreciated at least some of the time. Other times I still feel like foot in mouth syndrome. But then that's part of having ADHD.   I've made friends in that group, friends who struggles I can relate to. 

It's rare but at the moment I feel incredibly loved and appreciated and it's from my daughters, and my friends.  It's funny I'm struggling with the emotions. I just feel very special. and I should just go with it.