I'm not broken just weathered.

I had a friend who often spoke about how his girlfriend was broken. It's a perception I know.  I'm not broken. Just weathered like my 45 year old Maytag dryer!

I was thinking this morning about how most of the time, the thought of being touched creeps me out. Or even hurts at certain times.  This thing is both physical and psychological.  I don't like being touched sometimes because I do have sensory issues and there are days where it brings sensory overload and that makes it hurt when I'm touched.  Then there's the part where I have abandonment issues stemming from early childhood, compounded with bad choices in partners. 

I can't remember the last time I let myself melt in someone's arms and for a few minutes at least I felt completely safe. Or I felt in a peaceful state. No I don't even allow it because the last few people I melted with betrayed me in so many ways, I don't allow myself to trust.    It's been easily 20 years since I melted into anyone.   Don't get me wrong, I've loved, I've been close from time to time, but  I prefer keeping my distance.  I couldn't deal with anymore betrayals on that level.

There was a time where I hated sleeping alone. This despite the fact I don't sleep very well to begin with. But I liked the proximity of like minded people. That ship has sailed a long time ago. I really enjoy being alone in my bed and having all the space and no having to touch anyone.  

When it comes to trust, having trust issues seems to run deep in the psyche of the women in my family. My mother as a child under 5, had asked her mom "But I can always trust YOU mom right", and my grand-mother responded that she can't just blindly trust anyone. Not even her own mother. Perhaps she is worth trusting now, but what if she developed mental issues or Alzheimer as she grew old, then she might not be worth trusting.

There are about half a dozen people that I trust as much as I can trust. I do trust my daughters, but they are the only family members I do.   There's a few friends that I trust on various levels.  But my trust has been broken and is mostly  not fixable. There isn't enough time in my life to right those wrongs.  Even my mom betrayed me. I understand her motivations, but she betrayed me nonetheless. Did not help with my trust issues. Does not help me now make good decisions concerning relationships.

Does not help build strong relationships when you spend most of your time in a relationship waiting for that moment the other person lies, or cheats or withholds information or somehow destroys the bit of trust you actually have for them.   But that's the truth.