Thoughts about Social Anxiety

Social anxiety. It's so many things. I'm looking at my life from a different point of view and asking myself why so many things "stress' me out.

I've never had my nails done. I go to the hair dresser every couple of years, with the exception of 2010 where I got my hair cut short twice. Once to join my eldest when she got hers cut for boot-camp, and later that summer since I was going to Lebanon, Syria and Jordan in September and since it was too short to be tied, I wanted it even shorter for that trip. The hair dresser is painful. I have very fine hair and a highly sensitive scalp. Having my mom brush my hair as a child was the bane of my existence. And when I cried she would remind me she was especially gentle having the same kind of scalp as I do. She would remind me that her mom was far more abrupt and rough combing her hair as a little girl and she survived. Either way, I really don't like having most people touch my hair never mind comb it. Though I must admit I had an ex who used to pet my hair like one pets a cat and I didn't mind it. Probably due to my cat like nature.

I don't like going to the dentist much and I have my teeth cleaned on average twice a year, but more like twice in 14 months. I hadn't seen a medical doctor in easily 5 years, not even for asthma meds, though I really should have them with me at all times. I've been seeing my therapist about every 4-6 weeks the past 5 years, except during my crisis this spring where I was seeing him every 2-3 weeks. I'm lucky too  my therapist's office is 5 minutes away from my home. This made it so much more accessible when I was totally crashed in spring.

Some people go to the store daily to pick up what they forget, I can go weeks without entering a store. I've been struggling with groceries, though I tend to do them most often during my lunch hour with a work colleague so I don't have to face the world alone. I seem to be able to handle shopping with others. Shopping alone, especially in crowded stores can set off my anxiety in the worst of ways.

The sad part is, I wasn't aware to the depth of what sets off my anxiety. I understand now why going to parties, get together and events stresses me out. Sadly I was with people who had large families and tons of get together and would really come down hard on me for not showing up to all these events, which drained me and made me crabby. Instead of being supported often I was chastised for not being sociable enough.

Social Anxiety? Really?

Considering how much social anxiety I had back in March, and days where I could not leave the house I'm doing great.

Heck Yesterday not only this I accompany my friend furniture shopping, but I also went with her wedding dress shopping. She is getting married in Fall 2016, and well it's never too early to start figuring out what dress you want, and what styles suit you.Tomorrow afternoon I will be going over to help her move. She's moving from Verdun to first avenue in Lasalle.

Today finally we have a repairman that is coming over to fix both the washing machine and the dishwasher. THe dishwasher has been dead since I kicked out my last boyfriend, where as the washing machine just died.  Hopefully it won't cost me too much and both machines will work for some time afterwards. My youngest is home waiting for the repairman and will message me or call me so I can come and pay the bill.

Later today I'm going to spend time with my new friend.  The most stunning thing about it, is that I like to cuddle with him, for hours, and I even like when he holds me tight overnight.   I guess sometimes all you need is the right person.

Bonus the cuddling is good for my stress and social anxiety!

Back to Work

As of Monday June 1st I'm back to work. Not full time for the next 2 weeks but back. Insurance refused my claim because it was not backed by a medical doctor just a psychologist.  I have till August to get rectification. But at the moment it's left me very broke.

When I looked at a private doctor, I was asked $1500 up front on credit card, with an appointment 3 weeks later. That set off my anxiety in a bad way. I mean we have 10 days in Quebec to cancel a contract.   Paying 21 days before an appointment made me very very weary. What if I didn't like the doctor?

I tried calling the doctor I was seeing back in 2007-2008, and finally she accepted seeing me again, at the end of June. It's scary.  If you are well and don't see your family doctor they stop keeping you as a patient!!!!!  So you have to see  your doctor regularly to keep it.  Isn't that the world upsidedown?  It wasn't like that when I was a kid. Your doctor was happy to rarely ever see you but he didn't drop you as a patient?!?!?!?!

My first day of work was fraught with lots of emotional up and downs. I have paperwork that's really late and it's biting me in the ass in ways I would not have believed. 

At least my social anxiety is bearable at the moment.  I have to thank all  my friends and family that have been supportive and helped me get better.  Special thanks to my ex husband Samer, who has been there for me to fill out forms I couldn't, to my friends in Kingsbury that have helped me get out of the house and feel better about myself and to my roomate, who puts up with me, through thick and thin. Last but not least to my youngest daughter who's been back home for the past month. Those not mentioned individually are still  appreciated in a giant way.  I love you all very much. I may not say it much, but I really do.

Today is my 2nd day back to work and hopefully it will be less anxiety & stress causing then the first. Don't get me wrong, everyone at work was superb. Between the lady in HR, that I know and worked with for many years, and my boss who has been my boss for over 15 years, they really made me feel like a valued employee and where helpful in my reintegration. My boss had asked the guys I work with to give me space on my first day and they did. I know that I am well loved at work by my colleagues and that when they come to see me it's because they care.   Monday I hid in my area most of the day, and only a few migrated to me.  Today, I will come in and actually go see people I usually see, and that will help a bit with the anxiety.

The stupid thing about social anxiety is that if you don't make efforts to get out of your comfort zone it gets worse and worse and worse. The main thing my therapist has wanted me to do while I was off work was to get out of the house. Just do things outside my comfort zone no matter how small.  I have been  and so far so good.

One of the things that happened also in the past few months is that my Cape Breton bubble has been burst. I had a dream and it's just gone poof.  Reality sucks. Reality has a funny way of making dreams no longer a reality. Which makes the future appear really scary and grim.

Best made plans of Mice and men!

So two weeks ago, my friend and I decided we would drive down to Ottawa this coming week-end. We would leave Friday around lunch time and come back around dinner time on Sunday.

Well that was fine until my friend got an interview at Canada Post on that morning at 8am.  That changes completely the schedule, since my friend was going to pick up a niece to bring them to Ottawa as well.

Then last night I found out that on this Friday night, there is a Cheers reunion.  I'm really not the type for bar reunions but if there was a bar I spent many Friday nights at in my adult life, ti was the Cheers West Islands most Friday nights in 2004, 2005 and possibly 2006.  I also found out that many of the friends I used to go to Cheers to see on Friday nights will be there.  So while I hate going to these type of events, my desire to meet up with these people in a neutral ground where I don't have to make phone calls or send messages, really rocks.

So its starting to look like we're going to be going to Ottawa early Saturday morning, instead of Friday night. This would give me a chance to go to the Firm on Sources/Hymus area and socialize. While part of me is terrified as I haven't seen some people in 4-5 years, I know it won't be an issue and it would be best for my social life to go.

What happens to those who get over coddled?

I was amazed that in the US, some parents are being reported as negligent for letting their children play outside in the yard unsupervised. Long gone are the days where parents let their children go to the grocery store to pick up some milk before dinner. It seems people think if a child is outside alone, he is in grave danger of being hurt or kidnapped. 

Yet statistics does not show the rate of strangers hurting children has gone up. Generally children are hurt by people they know, rarely by strangers.

I wonder about this world. I remember in 1968 taking the city bus all by myself at age 6 to go to my ballet lessons. I was a 2 minute walk from the bus stop and the bus came along every 5 minutes and was 2 minutes walk from my ballet classes.   I also used to go to the grocery store, the bakery, the five and dime store and the convenience store to help my mom. I was hyper and my mom didn't have the of health. What better way to utilize my natural abilities and get exercise all while helping my single mom. I used to even go and deposit my mom's paycheck at the bank starting at age 6.  

My mom considered me to be resourceful and dependable. I brought back receipts and exact change.  I don't remember ever being harassed as a child while running errands for my mom. I was also allowed to ride my bicycle around the neighbourhood once I mastered the art of riding it.

I also remember walking to my swimming lessons by myself from age 6 to 10.  That was a long walk and sometimes I scared my mom by talking longer then I should walking home. I'd run into a dog or cat and follow it for a while, until I realized I needed to go home. Or I'd get lost in games inside my head and take forever walking.

I let my kids be kids and got chastised for it a lot.  When I split up with my ex-husband I moved to a low rent housing complex that was on the edge of one of the few big wooded areas left in Montreal, Le Bois de Liesse.  I liked the fact our apartment building was on the edge of the woods, so there was at least a place for my children to play outside the street. I told my kids that they could go in the forest so long as they saw the buildings so they would not get lost. Of course with time and hanging out with other kids they got to learn the woods really well.  The worst incident that happened to them that I know of, is my youngest falling through the ice of a small pond when it was close to freezing. But she was close enough to home and with her sister, that nothing bad came of it.

I pity those who aren't allowed to leave their homes unless accompanied by a parent.  By the time they turn 18, they won't know how to get around and imagine having these coddled children as work colleagues?  How resourceful do you think they will be?

Drug Estacy might help those with social issues..

Interesting article about E. I suppose it might be helpful for those people who are autistic or even in the autism spectrum [Like people with ADD/ADHD, and dyslexia] who have issues with socializing.

I mean can it be worse then the drugs that are currently given to people with ADHD?