Back to Work

As of Monday June 1st I'm back to work. Not full time for the next 2 weeks but back. Insurance refused my claim because it was not backed by a medical doctor just a psychologist.  I have till August to get rectification. But at the moment it's left me very broke.

When I looked at a private doctor, I was asked $1500 up front on credit card, with an appointment 3 weeks later. That set off my anxiety in a bad way. I mean we have 10 days in Quebec to cancel a contract.   Paying 21 days before an appointment made me very very weary. What if I didn't like the doctor?

I tried calling the doctor I was seeing back in 2007-2008, and finally she accepted seeing me again, at the end of June. It's scary.  If you are well and don't see your family doctor they stop keeping you as a patient!!!!!  So you have to see  your doctor regularly to keep it.  Isn't that the world upsidedown?  It wasn't like that when I was a kid. Your doctor was happy to rarely ever see you but he didn't drop you as a patient?!?!?!?!

My first day of work was fraught with lots of emotional up and downs. I have paperwork that's really late and it's biting me in the ass in ways I would not have believed. 

At least my social anxiety is bearable at the moment.  I have to thank all  my friends and family that have been supportive and helped me get better.  Special thanks to my ex husband Samer, who has been there for me to fill out forms I couldn't, to my friends in Kingsbury that have helped me get out of the house and feel better about myself and to my roomate, who puts up with me, through thick and thin. Last but not least to my youngest daughter who's been back home for the past month. Those not mentioned individually are still  appreciated in a giant way.  I love you all very much. I may not say it much, but I really do.

Today is my 2nd day back to work and hopefully it will be less anxiety & stress causing then the first. Don't get me wrong, everyone at work was superb. Between the lady in HR, that I know and worked with for many years, and my boss who has been my boss for over 15 years, they really made me feel like a valued employee and where helpful in my reintegration. My boss had asked the guys I work with to give me space on my first day and they did. I know that I am well loved at work by my colleagues and that when they come to see me it's because they care.   Monday I hid in my area most of the day, and only a few migrated to me.  Today, I will come in and actually go see people I usually see, and that will help a bit with the anxiety.

The stupid thing about social anxiety is that if you don't make efforts to get out of your comfort zone it gets worse and worse and worse. The main thing my therapist has wanted me to do while I was off work was to get out of the house. Just do things outside my comfort zone no matter how small.  I have been  and so far so good.

One of the things that happened also in the past few months is that my Cape Breton bubble has been burst. I had a dream and it's just gone poof.  Reality sucks. Reality has a funny way of making dreams no longer a reality. Which makes the future appear really scary and grim.