This blog on Aspie women has been very helpful

This describes me. Especially the social hangovers! But so much else.  It's all making sense. Like a puzzle. So many things I could not put in words.I mean I always knew I was different, but I didn't realize I wasn't neurotypical until the original ADHD diagnosis 6 years ago. I don't have words to always describe how I'm feeling.  This social hangover, I was never able to express it except to say I needed time alone

What got me to really push my therapist to look at possibility I had an ASD, was this blog post, shared by a Facebook friend. She identified with it herself and suspected I might identify with it too. She knew I was in a position to actually get a diagnosis, whereas she's less in that position.

I went through the 30 points of that blog post with my therapist point per point, describing how I was at 5. I think most points hit home. With this he was able to see me, without the the hundreds of coping skills We discussed it first in early May. Last appointment in early June he said he thought about it and it all fits.

That he's sure without more testing that I am of the Asperger type of ASD, though that term has now been dropped from the DSMV.  We discussed doing another test, but I think  it might be more helpful to me to bring the blog post I linked earlier under social hangovers above and discuss the points that apply, and ask for help in the points where I struggle. I can put it in black and white, though many points have been previously identified.

I've been beating myself up for most of my life for behaviours that I can't help. I'm wired a certain way, I'm different, not less. Having mostly identified my weaknesses I can make a plan to help myself manage life and manage my stress and anxiety better.  And not beat myself up so much when I crash.

Something a fellow ASD said the other day resonates ; "We seem to know ourselves deeply but seem to be also running in  parallel with the rest of society"

Of course, it's sensory pain!

Apparently there are two different types of pain. Physical pain and sensory pain. I seem to have a high tolerance to physical pain, but a low tolerance to sensory pain. It explains why when I don't feel well, it hurts to be touched. I have weird touch issues, always had. Hated being picked up as a child except if I was feeling off. Then I did want my mom to hold me really tight.

So Doctor who did MOHS surgery gave me 2 days after I really fought for it.  But it wasn't enough. I'm still in a fair amount of head pain. It also makes sense why Tylenol and painkillers do little for my pain if it's not physical pain. I stopped taking Tylenol on Monday as all it did was make the pain a touch more tolerable but didn't take away the pain and after a week of Tylenol, my poor liver was starting to complain.

Doctor who did my MOHS surgery doesn't know I have SPD or that I'm ASD. Hell I've been suspecting it for some time now but I didn't really know either until about 2 months ago.

I can't function with sensory pain. I have no patience. Look at me sideways and I'll burst into tears. I was already very stressed before the surgery. I told my boss that I was on the verge of collapse and any comment might send me over the edge.

It's hard to heal if you don't sleep. It's hard to sleep if you're in pain. I've been sleeping sitting up because I still can't lie down. I lied for about 5 minutes on my other side today and my head started to ache so badly, like someone is hitting it with a hammer. Also it's not at the location of the scar it hurts, it feels it hurts deeper in my head and also it's not right on the forehead my skin feels weird, it's all the top of my head. I don't even like feeling wind on my hair or combing my hair because the top of my head feels strange

I was reading this blog this morning, and while my experience is different, at least it put things into perspective.

Oh to be able to process.....

I've always seen the connection between lack of social skills and an above average intelligence. I remember asking my mom why she taught  me to read and write so young, why could I not wait till I get to school. Something she said at the time, that I needed to be socialized. I needed to learn social skills. That being very intelligent isn't enough, that you need to be socialized to function in the world. Growing up in the 60's, I was taught manners and social skills. I got repeated so often "girls do this, girls don't do that" This isn't very lady like.

I was always clumsy. I used to trip over my own feet, and running was a recipe for disaster Rare could I run and not fall and end up with a bloody knee. My mom put me in ballet for 3 years, until the ballet teacher took my mom aside one day and said "Your daughter has the grace of an elephant, why are you wasting your money putting her in ballet lessons. " After which I got singing and music lessons.  Well the ballet lessons were not completely useless. I am more graceful now, I am reasonably flexible, but I'm still clumsy. The more tired I am the worse I get.

I could always talk people's ear off, but rarely managed to communicate what is really eating me up. I can go on and on and on paragraphs of rambling, but actually expressing how I'm feeling, or what is bugging me is almost impossible. Most of the time it takes me forever to process things.  4-6 months to process big events.   It's why I haven't blogged in months.

Starting in March there was too much to process. I  don't deal well with new situations, new people, new places.   Since the beginning of the year I've seen too many doctors, been to too many hospitals and have not enough routine . I need routine to be able to function and handle the daily unpredictables .

So it takes me forever to process. I have sensory processing disorder . Meaning for instance I can hear perfectly what is said but brain won't translate what ears heard to brain so it sounds like Charlie Browns teacher.. That's my main example of when it fails.   It fails like that once or twice a day hearing wise, if I'm well rested. If' I'm tired it's fails more often.   Yes I have good hearing. Nothing to do with my hearing. This is mostly an example of Auditory Processing disorder but it's a subset of the sensory one.

 I've spent most of my adult life feeling like a failure and struggling just to do normal things. I've gone through bouts of depression, which started as young as 7. I get overwhelmed so easily by things outside my routine. As long as I can have a daily routine that's mostly the same it's good. But start changing my routine and I start to stress out, it gives me anxiety.

The past few months have been hell. Between doctors appointments as I age, and other issues, I just can't cope. I haven't processed the court case in mid April yet, and then there's the skin cancer which is gone, but I'm still processing. I have a gutted basement, I haven't been able to go down in my basement in weeks. I just want to cry when I think about it. . And right after finding out about the surgery for my skin cancer, we had a car accident, and I'm stuck driving a truck I despise.  And the MOHS surgery. You have it and go back to work the next day . I fought to get 2 extra days off siting that I do have some physical work. My head still feels numb. Until this morning I still felt pain from the scar each time I moved my head or did much of anything.   I still have not been able to lie down to sleep. I haven't slept very well since the surgery.

I'm so overwhelmed at the moment, I can't cope, with anything. I've been home all week. In bed. Didn't even sew. Don't even have the brain power. I'm just worn down.