Oh to be able to process.....

I've always seen the connection between lack of social skills and an above average intelligence. I remember asking my mom why she taught  me to read and write so young, why could I not wait till I get to school. Something she said at the time, that I needed to be socialized. I needed to learn social skills. That being very intelligent isn't enough, that you need to be socialized to function in the world. Growing up in the 60's, I was taught manners and social skills. I got repeated so often "girls do this, girls don't do that" This isn't very lady like.

I was always clumsy. I used to trip over my own feet, and running was a recipe for disaster Rare could I run and not fall and end up with a bloody knee. My mom put me in ballet for 3 years, until the ballet teacher took my mom aside one day and said "Your daughter has the grace of an elephant, why are you wasting your money putting her in ballet lessons. " After which I got singing and music lessons.  Well the ballet lessons were not completely useless. I am more graceful now, I am reasonably flexible, but I'm still clumsy. The more tired I am the worse I get.

I could always talk people's ear off, but rarely managed to communicate what is really eating me up. I can go on and on and on paragraphs of rambling, but actually expressing how I'm feeling, or what is bugging me is almost impossible. Most of the time it takes me forever to process things.  4-6 months to process big events.   It's why I haven't blogged in months.

Starting in March there was too much to process. I  don't deal well with new situations, new people, new places.   Since the beginning of the year I've seen too many doctors, been to too many hospitals and have not enough routine . I need routine to be able to function and handle the daily unpredictables .

So it takes me forever to process. I have sensory processing disorder . Meaning for instance I can hear perfectly what is said but brain won't translate what ears heard to brain so it sounds like Charlie Browns teacher.. That's my main example of when it fails.   It fails like that once or twice a day hearing wise, if I'm well rested. If' I'm tired it's fails more often.   Yes I have good hearing. Nothing to do with my hearing. This is mostly an example of Auditory Processing disorder but it's a subset of the sensory one.

 I've spent most of my adult life feeling like a failure and struggling just to do normal things. I've gone through bouts of depression, which started as young as 7. I get overwhelmed so easily by things outside my routine. As long as I can have a daily routine that's mostly the same it's good. But start changing my routine and I start to stress out, it gives me anxiety.

The past few months have been hell. Between doctors appointments as I age, and other issues, I just can't cope. I haven't processed the court case in mid April yet, and then there's the skin cancer which is gone, but I'm still processing. I have a gutted basement, I haven't been able to go down in my basement in weeks. I just want to cry when I think about it. . And right after finding out about the surgery for my skin cancer, we had a car accident, and I'm stuck driving a truck I despise.  And the MOHS surgery. You have it and go back to work the next day . I fought to get 2 extra days off siting that I do have some physical work. My head still feels numb. Until this morning I still felt pain from the scar each time I moved my head or did much of anything.   I still have not been able to lie down to sleep. I haven't slept very well since the surgery.

I'm so overwhelmed at the moment, I can't cope, with anything. I've been home all week. In bed. Didn't even sew. Don't even have the brain power. I'm just worn down.