You can't be autistic......

I never knew

Until recently I never knew how much of a great actor and imitator I am. I'm impressive. I mean I hid my autism and my stims for 54 years!

The reason I found out I was autistic now is because the amount of effort I put in to pass in society is draining me faster as I age. This article is so much on point, I wanted to cry after reading it.

I could have written this

Found this article and the list is so me. :)  I wish my mom was alive and I could show her why I never managed to graduate from university. Why such a bright girl has so many fears and sometimes gets so stuck in her own head...

Neurodiverse eh?

I'd be curious how many friends and family are possibly on the spectrum. There's a quiz found here

These were my results:

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 146 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 81 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

Feel free to leave results in comments, if you like! 

Towards an ASD diagnosis.

After the therapy session today, my therapist is now 99% sure I'm ASD.  He's also going to re-run the long diagnostic test he had me do 6 years ago, through the system again, apparently they analyze the data differently than they did back then.  Also next appointment, he will give me a test  to identify the level of my neuro differences.   I will also be meeting with a woman who works in the same office, for part of the test. She is their specialist in diagnosing autism. One part of test she will be doing is showing me pictures with facial expressions and see if I can identify them.  She generally works with children but apparently has diagnosed several young adults recently. I bet I will be the oldest female adult she's ever had to diagnose!

It feels good to know. It all fits in. Like I'm not missing parts of the puzzle anymore.  All the other health issues I have tend to be typical of people with autism. From the general over sensitivity, to the asthma, eczema, seasonal allergies, food allergies and intolerances, as well as gluten sensitivity, add the social anxiety, the generalized anxiety, hating change and the sensory processing disorder . Hell even my painful periods and hellish PMS which was closer to PMDD, it all fits.

Whether my mom knew or not or suspected, what's for sure is that she tried to help me be as autonomous and independent as possible. She gave me hundreds of coping skills and she had figured out many things about me to make me function at high levels.  My therapist thinks I'm a successful. person. To have managed to get myself where I am and function given all the other trauma's I've had, I'm ok. Now I just need to convince myself and not be always so hard on myself.  I often see myself as a GINORMOUS failure.

I need to keep repeating to myself, I'm different, not less. 

Autism in Women in Quebec

I recently stumbled upon the fact that they are doing studies in Quebec and France about women with autism.  It's called "l'Autisme au feminin".  You can sign up here.

According to what I've read currently there is 1 woman diagnosed for every 4 men.  This is apparently wrong, there should be 1 women diagnosed for every 2 man.  Meaning that most women never get diagnosis.  Which is sad.  Knowledge is everything.  I feel so relieved. I spent most of my adult life knowing I was different, thinking I was half assed crazy but never been able to put my finger on it.  I feel so much better. I feel like for the first time I see the light. It explains EVERYTHING

This particular study is in French, so you can only participate if you master the French language, but you don't need to have an official diagnosis to participate.

I don't expect to benefit from this study, but hopefully the younger generation of girls will have an easier time getting diagnosis and treatment.

This blog on Aspie women has been very helpful

This describes me. Especially the social hangovers! But so much else.  It's all making sense. Like a puzzle. So many things I could not put in words.I mean I always knew I was different, but I didn't realize I wasn't neurotypical until the original ADHD diagnosis 6 years ago. I don't have words to always describe how I'm feeling.  This social hangover, I was never able to express it except to say I needed time alone

What got me to really push my therapist to look at possibility I had an ASD, was this blog post, shared by a Facebook friend. She identified with it herself and suspected I might identify with it too. She knew I was in a position to actually get a diagnosis, whereas she's less in that position.

I went through the 30 points of that blog post with my therapist point per point, describing how I was at 5. I think most points hit home. With this he was able to see me, without the the hundreds of coping skills We discussed it first in early May. Last appointment in early June he said he thought about it and it all fits.

That he's sure without more testing that I am of the Asperger type of ASD, though that term has now been dropped from the DSMV.  We discussed doing another test, but I think  it might be more helpful to me to bring the blog post I linked earlier under social hangovers above and discuss the points that apply, and ask for help in the points where I struggle. I can put it in black and white, though many points have been previously identified.

I've been beating myself up for most of my life for behaviours that I can't help. I'm wired a certain way, I'm different, not less. Having mostly identified my weaknesses I can make a plan to help myself manage life and manage my stress and anxiety better.  And not beat myself up so much when I crash.

Something a fellow ASD said the other day resonates ; "We seem to know ourselves deeply but seem to be also running in  parallel with the rest of society"

Of course, it's sensory pain!

Apparently there are two different types of pain. Physical pain and sensory pain. I seem to have a high tolerance to physical pain, but a low tolerance to sensory pain. It explains why when I don't feel well, it hurts to be touched. I have weird touch issues, always had. Hated being picked up as a child except if I was feeling off. Then I did want my mom to hold me really tight.

So Doctor who did MOHS surgery gave me 2 days after I really fought for it.  But it wasn't enough. I'm still in a fair amount of head pain. It also makes sense why Tylenol and painkillers do little for my pain if it's not physical pain. I stopped taking Tylenol on Monday as all it did was make the pain a touch more tolerable but didn't take away the pain and after a week of Tylenol, my poor liver was starting to complain.

Doctor who did my MOHS surgery doesn't know I have SPD or that I'm ASD. Hell I've been suspecting it for some time now but I didn't really know either until about 2 months ago.

I can't function with sensory pain. I have no patience. Look at me sideways and I'll burst into tears. I was already very stressed before the surgery. I told my boss that I was on the verge of collapse and any comment might send me over the edge.

It's hard to heal if you don't sleep. It's hard to sleep if you're in pain. I've been sleeping sitting up because I still can't lie down. I lied for about 5 minutes on my other side today and my head started to ache so badly, like someone is hitting it with a hammer. Also it's not at the location of the scar it hurts, it feels it hurts deeper in my head and also it's not right on the forehead my skin feels weird, it's all the top of my head. I don't even like feeling wind on my hair or combing my hair because the top of my head feels strange

I was reading this blog this morning, and while my experience is different, at least it put things into perspective.