I hate hats, and yet must wear them.

I've always hated wearing hats. I had no choice if I wanted to be outside as a child but to wear a hat, and my grandma made me all sorts of cute hats and when she didn't my mom and aunt bought me some.  But with the fine little hair I have every time I wear a hat I look like my hair hasn't been washed in the past 100 years. My hair rarely looks nice.

Stupid Costco hat

That being said I realized I need to have a hat for this summer. I bought one at Costco that I can tie but I don't like it much.

So I found a blog that had a free pattern and good instructions here

Reversible hats - print side

Reversible hats - solid side

Me with the hat I made!

Depressed.

Pain really has a way of isolating you in the worst way. I'm not coping anymore. I can't deal with the pain and the isolation. I feel like if I died tomorrow it would take most people a few months to realize I don't exist anymore.  People are obviously fed up with my negativity and the fact if they ask how I feel I'm honest.

So no one is asking how I'm feeling. In fact no one is contacting me to talk to me anymore. I've never existed much. I remember when Sam used to say how insignificant I was in the world. I feel beyond insignificant. I don't know what the point is anymore.

Most days I cry, I have meltdowns, I work and sleep.  It's no life. I haven't done much of anything that makes me happy. Even a kitten isn't cutting it most days, though he is really extra cute and very sweet natured.

Things that made me happy like camping, don't make me happy anymore. Not with the head pain. And the worst part, I think I have another basal cell carcinoma, this one on my nose.  Which means part of my nose will be removed and I will require plastic surgery. It sucks. I never sun worshipped. It sucks that I end up with skin cancer.

I also don't want to end up in a psych ward either, which is generally what happens when you tell your therapist or family doctor you can't cope. Two months ago, I crashed badly and had a meltdown in my therapists office .He was ready to commit me to the psych ward. All that does is watch you to make sure you don't hurt yourself and put you on medication, which in my case would cause me to hurt myself as soon as I was released.

There is no real help for the depressed.  They either put you in some form of protective custody so you don't hurt yourself and fill you full of drugs.

I've got to stop crying this morning and get myself together enough to work. I'm at work and not holding it together. I was in bed asleep by 10 pm last night. It's not lack of sleep. Though I was awake 4 times between 10pm and 6am.

Apparently the suicide rate for high IQ Autistic level 1 is through the roof.  Of course. We are intelligent to know all that's wrong and realize there is no way out.

I cooked some the past two weekends

All 4 chocolate bars are sweetened with coconut sugar. I seem to deal better if I don't mix my chocolate with Cane sugar!

My favourite Quinoa tabouleh

Gluten free spinach veggie 3 cheese lasagna

Eggplant & chickpea curry and spicy lentil dhal made last week-end

My freezer also has a black bean dish. My freezer is full. This is good. It means I eat properly every day instead of only days I have energy to actually cook.

You can't be autistic......

More photos of Buddy

Enjoying my new toy with me

His underfur used to be grey now it's turning Ginger! He looks very Savannah like on this photo

He likes to hang out on the laptop

I love it when he flattens his ears.This is a  Savannah look!

Buddy is growing so fast

Hot Pink dress to go with Hot Pink Vans

Rayon bamboo knit dress made with Simplicity 2219

This is autism to me!

A friend shared this video yesterday and I don't think autism could be explained better. So I want to share with everyone.  The way she explains autism I relate 100% being autistic myself!

Pin-Wheel Dragonfly windchime

It's been some time since I last bought a dragonfly windchime. I saw this one at Walmart yesterday and I had to take it home!

Fears are really telling

This is a Margaret Atwood quote I read recently.

Men are afraid that women will laugh at them.

Women are afraid that men will kill them.

New dresses from 2018

McCalls M6883 - front made from a vintage cotton print from in my mom's stash. Finished May 2018

 McCalls M6883 - back -  made from a vintage cotton print from in my mom's stash.  started 2014-15?

Simplicity 1801 - made in flowy turquoise tie-dye challis - finished in April 2018

New clothes made in 2018

Simplicity 1800 - with a starry batik print. Notice pockets

Simplicity 8126 - 1970's dress in a leopard print

Simplicity 2248 project runway - front of dress - Absolutely love this one

Simplicity 2248 project runway - back of dress

Simplicity 1356 - Jiffy reversible wrap around dress - 2 colour of rayons

Simplicity 3833 - Retro 1960's mod dress in a batik dragonfly coton

Simplicity 1799 - Project runway dress in a lovely print but horrible texture. This was a test dress

Butterick  B5351

McCalls 7526 - skirt made from cotton, with added pockets

Butterick B5317 made from cotton sateen. Started that one over 5 years ago.

Scary fire in neighbors tree

At 10:04 Friday night May 4rth, with gusts of wind going as high as 100Km per hour, a neighbours tree fell on the hydro lines. That caused the transformer at the end of my property to go kaboom and emit an explosion of electricity that set the conifer behind it on fire. Lucky half of the tree fell in another neighbours yard, as the wind was sending all the flaming pieces of tree towards my house and roof.

Thankfully, it had rained torrentially a few hours earlier and my roof was still wet enough so that non of the flaming debris caught my house on fire. But we found some of the pieces of burnt tree in my yard. When Terry told me there was a tree on fire, I ran outside the front (I am horribly afraid of electricity) so I could view most of my house and roof from a safe distance from the exploding transformer. While I was outside the power went off and on about 4 times and each time the transformer went boom and I screamed.

 The firefighters showed up to check out the fire in the tree, and left 30 minutes later confident that the flames were not going to spread to the houses and put a yellow tape around the tree on the lines, and called HYDRO to turn off our grid, which apparently affected 440 customers. My buddy Pat is a firefighter at Pierrefonds and he was able to tell me that the firemen assessed the tree and called Hydro to turn off grid.

For the next 24 hours different Hydro Quebec trucks came to assess situation. THey start by stopping in front of my house, go look and then leave and park on Arragon and assess it from there. They came with chainsaws at 3AM Sunday morning, and by 5AM Sunday power was restored to us 440 customers. It's not the first time this transformer blows, but this time it scared the living daylights out of me because it kept going KABOOM.

This was the same week-end last year that my basement GOT FLOODED. Like what the fuck is with early May???? As for the water, it's a bit high right now but it's within seasonal levels. Last year the water was 1 meter higher!

Tree that's really angled fell on the power lines in neighbours yard on Arragon. You can see yellow tape preventing them from going to the end of their yard. Danger with power lines.

The big bucket looking thing blew multiple times and set the conifer in the background on fire

From the pole with bucket, see the line going towards ground? That's where tree fell

All 4 cats

It's amazing how fast Buddy is growing. He's almost as big as Toby.

Silver spotted Tabby Savannah

I've figured out that buddy is a silver spotted tabby Savannah, and he is currently in his fuzzies stage. A stage where his serval ancestor would have extra longer white fur to dilute his spots so that they camouflage better in the wild. The fuzzies arrive at the age the kittens start to explore, and helps them hide better in the brush.  I've been reading that Silver spotted tabby Savannah's fur can change quite a bit before coming to the final colouring.  I expect buddy to be a sandy colour and have very intense spots. I never saw photos of him before the fuzzies.

I'm also sure I have a Savannah. His hind legs are longer than his front legs. His body is extra long. His head is not very big but his ears are and are straight on top of his head rather then on the side.  As well his eyes are almond shaped and have a hood around them. The shape of his face, he has a pointed nose!  He's extremely smart, probably the smartest cat I've owned. He's jumps quite high already and while most acts run up trees, he can run down trees!  He's almost as tall as Toby and he's as long as him at 5 months of age!

Serval -  Looks a bit like how buddy will look as a adult

I was looking at serval's the other day and found a photo of one that reminds me of buddy. Except for the eye colour. This serval seems to have bluish eyes. Either way he's beautiful looking. It might even be a female since the face is very slim or maybe a young male. It takes usually 2-3 years for the fur to thicken around the face in some male cats I've owned.

Buddy, on the patio table

Buddy hangs with Toby

Buddy has interesting face markings

Was touched

Back in October  2017 when I got my autism diagnosis I wrote a thank-you note to Tania Marshall on Facebook:

Hi Tania,

I wanted to thank you for putting the various checklists on AspienGirl. I was sent by a friend the checklist for 5 year old girls, and though I'll be 55 years of age this year, I was stunned how much I related to it. With your checklist in hand I went to see my therapist and explained how each of the points on your checklist pertained to me. And for the first time in 8 years my therapist saw the ASD instead of just the quirky female patient he'd diagnosed with ADHD, SPD, GAD etc over the years. 

He had me assessed by someone specializes in ASD and I got a formal diagnosis. Now everything finally makes sense! I know I'm exactly the way I'm supposed to be. I want to express my thanks for the work you've done that permitted me to get to know why I'm different and the fact that there's nothing wrong with this difference!

Again many thanks!




--------------------------------
A few days later she responded to me:

Dear Kali, Thank you for your beautiful message and you’re very welcome regarding my checklists and my work. It’s always very rewarding for me to hear from people like you that they came across my work and were able to get their doctors Or therapists or whomever to see that all the different labels really are just one label: neuro diversity. I can’t tell you how pleased I am to hear of your experience as I know how much a diagnosis helps a person realise that they’re not weird or a freak or crazy, that just have a differently wired brain. Thank you for taking the time to message me and congratulations


I was very touched. I didn't expect any kind of answer, but I wanted her to know how much her work on the topic is appreciated by women who need answers.

Why functioning labels aren't helpful

Functioning labels aren't helpful. Basically high functioning is another way of saying your autism is hardly felt by others. Low functioning means it is heavily felt by others. In real life, I might be an autistic level 1 but it's not that helpful on the days I'm so overwhelmed and I can't get out of bed. Or I'm having such a bad meltdown that people think I'm bipolar or have serious anger issues.

Women who suspect they are autistic and get turned away need another doctor. Saying you don't have enough problems to warrant a diagnostic is STUPID. it's like saying you're a little pregnant. We're not going to address it now. Come back when you're more pregnant. 

 I got to 54 years old without a diagnostic. I spent 2/3 of my life thinking I was a loser who can't keep it together. I spent a few years researching bi-polar disorder and was convinced I might be bi-polar 2. Except I asked my mother and she said I was nothing like my dad, who was bipolar. If I'd known I was autistic maybe I'd have a better self image. I got told most of my life "For a bright girl you sure make stupid choices". Yeah I have an IQ of 135 but on some days I can't get out of bed. How is the functioning label helpful???

The younger an autistic person knows they are autistic the sooner then can 1) know it's ok to be the way you are 2) know there are challenges 3) get the resources and help when you need the help.

In my 20's and 30's I struggle with work, motherhood, relationships.But I trudged through. The older I get the harder it is to spend all my life masking. Pretending I'm something I'm not so I don't stick out like a sore thumb. It's also harder to keep going and there is such a thing as Autistic burnout. I've had 2 so far.

As far as getting diagnosed for autism, I used the checklists from Tania Marshall. She has one for school aged girls and one for adult women. The one for school aged girls was helpful for me at 54 because both my parents are dead. I could at least describe myself at 5-6 years of age to the therapist so he could see my issues aren't new. I had the same type of issues in grade 1. 

Once I convinced my therapist I could be autistic, he reviewed the IQ tests, the reviewed the MMPI, [I did those 8 years ago, when he first assessed me with ADHD] asked me questions about my childhood and then sent me tested by someone else in his office who had me do the ADOS [which is a test aimed at children and teens - so explain how to brush teeth, make a story out of random objects, make story from a book with just pictures. etc.. ] and apparently though I thought the ADOS was weird, it was that which confirmed my diagnosis. My therapist then said I was really "high high functioning".

Yeah. He actually said that.  Meaning I hide my autism so well it took him 8 years to notice it, even though I've mentioned it at least once a year the past 6 years!   

So most days when I get home from work, I cry for an hour because I'm tired and overwhelmed and can't cope. So I'd rather autism level 1. Because I certainly don't feel like I'm functioning!

Buddy says Happy St Patricks Day!

Why do the big cats get to go outside?

DO you think there's enough toys?

Photo with his ears flat, wanted to see if stripes were noticeable

Happy St Patricks day!

AM I not the cutest?