Pain really has a way of isolating you in the worst way. I'm not coping anymore. I can't deal with the pain and the isolation. I feel like if I died tomorrow it would take most people a few months to realize I don't exist anymore. People are obviously fed up with my negativity and the fact if they ask how I feel I'm honest.
So no one is asking how I'm feeling. In fact no one is contacting me to talk to me anymore. I've never existed much. I remember when Sam used to say how insignificant I was in the world. I feel beyond insignificant. I don't know what the point is anymore.
Most days I cry, I have meltdowns, I work and sleep. It's no life. I haven't done much of anything that makes me happy. Even a kitten isn't cutting it most days, though he is really extra cute and very sweet natured.
Things that made me happy like camping, don't make me happy anymore. Not with the head pain. And the worst part, I think I have another basal cell carcinoma, this one on my nose. Which means part of my nose will be removed and I will require plastic surgery. It sucks. I never sun worshipped. It sucks that I end up with skin cancer.
I also don't want to end up in a psych ward either, which is generally what happens when you tell your therapist or family doctor you can't cope. Two months ago, I crashed badly and had a meltdown in my therapists office .He was ready to commit me to the psych ward. All that does is watch you to make sure you don't hurt yourself and put you on medication, which in my case would cause me to hurt myself as soon as I was released.
There is no real help for the depressed. They either put you in some form of protective custody so you don't hurt yourself and fill you full of drugs.
I've got to stop crying this morning and get myself together enough to work. I'm at work and not holding it together. I was in bed asleep by 10 pm last night. It's not lack of sleep. Though I was awake 4 times between 10pm and 6am.
Apparently the suicide rate for high IQ Autistic level 1 is through the roof. Of course. We are intelligent to know all that's wrong and realize there is no way out.
So no one is asking how I'm feeling. In fact no one is contacting me to talk to me anymore. I've never existed much. I remember when Sam used to say how insignificant I was in the world. I feel beyond insignificant. I don't know what the point is anymore.
Most days I cry, I have meltdowns, I work and sleep. It's no life. I haven't done much of anything that makes me happy. Even a kitten isn't cutting it most days, though he is really extra cute and very sweet natured.
Things that made me happy like camping, don't make me happy anymore. Not with the head pain. And the worst part, I think I have another basal cell carcinoma, this one on my nose. Which means part of my nose will be removed and I will require plastic surgery. It sucks. I never sun worshipped. It sucks that I end up with skin cancer.
I also don't want to end up in a psych ward either, which is generally what happens when you tell your therapist or family doctor you can't cope. Two months ago, I crashed badly and had a meltdown in my therapists office .He was ready to commit me to the psych ward. All that does is watch you to make sure you don't hurt yourself and put you on medication, which in my case would cause me to hurt myself as soon as I was released.
There is no real help for the depressed. They either put you in some form of protective custody so you don't hurt yourself and fill you full of drugs.
I've got to stop crying this morning and get myself together enough to work. I'm at work and not holding it together. I was in bed asleep by 10 pm last night. It's not lack of sleep. Though I was awake 4 times between 10pm and 6am.
Apparently the suicide rate for high IQ Autistic level 1 is through the roof. Of course. We are intelligent to know all that's wrong and realize there is no way out.
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-you seem to be adrift since last time i watch your blog...
ReplyDelete-personally i kinna like the loneliness(guess being a lonely child and surrounded by back stabber help)
p.s. ain't terry there to keep you compagny?
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