Embracing life

I've probably mentioned before that all my walls came down during the fall this year. This is a good thing, as my walls had gotten phenomenally thick since my dad's death in 2003. 

At the point my dad died, it was just too much. My mom left us in 1999,  I left a 5 year relationship in 2000, my Grandfather left us in 2000, I had surgery in 2001, our favourite 12 year old cat left us in 2003, my children moved to live with their dad in 2003, and then my dad died.

The doctor I was seeing at the time said there had been so many events and so much loss in my life, that she didn't believe I could handle one more thing. She suggested I see a therapist, but the one I had been seeing back then went on maternity leave and I could not see myself starting over with someone new at that point. It was just more then I could handle.

I spent 2 years completely celibate. Which is completely out of character for me. Until then I had gone from one relationship to the next, with little break in between any.  I was celibate at this point because I was so fragile, anything going wrong could have destroyed me. Touch was too much. Though I am fussy as to who touches me and why, this is the point where I stopped wanting anyone to touch me.  That's when I started to cringe at most physical contact.

I build a wall, a very thick wall to protect what was left of me, my sanity, my ability to continue on, like a wounded warrior.  Sadly as time passed and things changed, I was stuck behind my wall. So thick, and I wasn't sure how it was going to come down.

I suspect this wall did not help my relationship with my 2nd husband. Especially since he could see way beyond the wall. His misguided attempts at trying to poke holes into my wall, did not really help, other then to increase my paranoia and put up curtains in the more volatile areas. I do know he meant well. He really did want to help me find my way out of my maze.

I'm more or less at peace with the events that have happened since 1999. I'm still processing some things, but lately my emotionally processing has gone from slower then a snail stuck in crazy glue, to the pace of a turtle. I'm processing a lot of the hurt, and the pain and trying to turn it into positives.

I'm sad that the POF guy got involved in a situation where he could not deliver, but really it's HIS loss. I'm an awesome person, and he'll never get to know exactly HOW awesome I really am other then in his dreams.

I will dance with the stars again, and feel the waves of the ocean. I will soar like the red-tailed hawk and roar like the bobcat.  I will embody the spirit of the dragonfly and bring magick to those around me. I will listen to wolf's wisdom, and continue walking through the path less travelled. I will continue tearing the walls that chain me. I will be one with all that is, all that was and all that will ever be.  I will dance with Kali. I will go to places I've dreamed, but never thought possible.