Another day stuck inside my head

I woke up this morning and still feel miserable. It's a beautiful day out and I could be doing 1001 things and I can't even get the motivation to leave the house. I feel like crawling under a rock. I feel particularly crappy today.

What makes me feel worse is that there is nothing physically wrong with me, it's all in my head. Yet it stops me from enjoying life sometimes. I can't even go outside on my property to garden. I wanted to go to the PowWow, but the thought of running into my ex, I can't handle it.  I would have another meltdown if I saw him or if he insisted on talking to me. I know how he is. He's not getting that I want to have nothing to do with him. He figures if he runs into me, we're going to talk.

Heck he was going to come over to apologize. Hubby stopped him and said that I didn't want to see him. I mean this happened in February and now he SAYS he wants to apologize. I know what that means. He'll say one sorry and then find a way to make me feel like he said this bullshit because of me. He'll guilt me into thinking that it was all my fault. No. Not going to happen.  Hubby made him an appointment with our therapist. It's a step in the right direction, but I feel it will take years of therapy before we can have a conversation where I don't feel he's being an ass hole or making me feel responsible for his shortcomings.

When I feel like this I'd rather be dead. I feel like I'm the worst piece of trash that ever walked this world. I feel nothing I can say or do has any value, and makes any difference I feel insignificant and useless. I know it's my brain that has fucked up wiring, but nothing much I've done over the years has helped me fix it. I still end up feeling like this periodically. 

I can hear those who said "Just go out there and do it". Sure. Easier said then done. My head is so fucked right now, I'm a danger to myself. I can't drive anywhere, I'd be an accident waiting to happen. Wouldn't be able to focus on the traffic. If I get stuck interacting with people, and they say the slightest negative thing I'll have a meltdown. It sucks but it's the truth.  Since I'm not with the people of Walmart, I'll keep my meltdowns to the inside of my house thankyouverymuch.

Edit: As one last note, I feel even more like crap because I have it good here in Montreal, I have a good job, a good hubby, good kids, good friends and a peaceful life. My problems are tiny compared to people from the Middle east or Africa, who are fighting for their lives and for freedom.