Sunday, April 19, 2015

It's been a month

It was March 18th where I could not handle it anymore, and around 3:30 I went home from work, overwhelmed, weak, tired, anxious.

At first it was a physical malaise, or at least it was the physical that was feeling weak. Now it's been a month, and my body is fine, it's my mind.

The past few months I've revisited so much of my life, and now I'm processing stuff that happened when I was 6 years old. My uncle's death seemed to make it worse. It's left me with such severe social anxiety I'm having a hard time functioning.

If I go out for an hour to run errands then I need a 4 hour nap to recover from the stress and anxiety. I've asked my Lebanese ex some help to get through this, including with paperwork and him doing paperwork on my behalf wears me out.

It is incredibly hard to admit as a strong alpha female, and as an independent articulate woman, that I need help. That alone, I will not get through this. Some is stuff I should have processed years ago, but having someone yell at me how I should be feeling or telling me  that what I'm feeling is wrong, has never helped. Now I can face it in my own time, and without anyone making fun of my feelings. Making fun of someone's feelings is stupid. You don't know the person. By making fun of how they feel you make it even harder for them to process, now the feeling is joined by anxiety or panicky state. With time the anxiety seems to increase exponentially.

I've recently  realized the extent   I suffer from social anxiety. It explains why I needed husband #1 to walk me to the door of my first job, hold my hand to there and tell me it was going to be ok, while I cried and shook uncontrollably. I did fine at that job. In fact I went beyond their expectations and they used me in the office for more then I was hired. My 2nd job I wasn't so frightened on the first day.

Heck when I started my current job, I remember the first few months how afraid I was to get lost in the building.Today when I think I have to go back to work, I think of all the people I'm going to run through int he hallways and people are going to say "SO how was your vacation?" Or worse "How are you doing"? " The question I don't want to answer. I dunno how I'm doing. Do you want an honest answer or just a smile and nod as I walk past you at 1000 miles per hour.

I think I will put a sign over my desk that says "I'm fine. Please don't ask how I'm doing or if I'm ok. I don't want to discuss that with ANYONE!!!"

Tomorrow at 11 am I will be going to get my winter tires off. After which I hope to go to a long walk in the woods. Maybe along the trail near the Riviere des Prairies that goes to the "Rapides du Cheval Blanc" and the bridge to Ile Bigras.  It's a cool place in spring before the mosquitoes come out.  I hope the walk in the wilderness will lift my spirits and help with the anxiety.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank-you for leaving a comment!