Addiction!

This article makes so much sense. 

Not sure I posted the first article a few weeks back that questions the way we handle drug addiction and also the "War on drugs". Making those behaviours punishable by law, when the only thing the person is doing is drugging themselves is useless in terms of prevention.

This makes me rethink my complete alcohol denial and maybe at least try to drink once responsibly before deciding for good that I should continue never drinking.

Seriously?

So the POF guy from MAY last year resurfaced again today, with a text message, trying to engage me. Trying to get a reaction out of me. I ain't going to react, other then to rant here about what a fucking moron he is.  I told him nicely I didn't want to see him again end of May 2014. You'd think he'd have fucking moved on.... He's verging on stalker status.It's the 4th time he contacts me since.

He's another one who doesn't seem to learn that when you insult someone in a drunken stupor, you may not remember tomorrow but the other party does, and doesn't want to cross any bridge with you ever again. To wit, a blog post aimed at another clueless male.

Friends with benefits, harder to find then hoped

I had met a guy on POF sometime in mid April, he was older then I usually go for and not exactly my type but he had a lot going for him that I thought might make it fun as a FWB. However it turned out he was far more looking for a committed relationship then advertised.

I can be socially inept and have a hard time reading between the lines, but sometimes I can read the clues. Like he was more interested in cuddling then sex.   I can get cuddling from any of my friends. Most would probably enjoy if I was more cuddly from time to time.  It's the sex I want dammit!

I tended to find him very critical. Usually when you meet someone knew you should be all looking at the new shiny instead of criticizing. First it was my sleeping habits, he had the nerve to say that perhaps I hadn't looked at all options to manage to sleep longer every night.  Then there was the rant about how my strange dietary habits didn't make it easy to socialize with others as meals are a social thing.

But his bringing up certain things as deal breakers for a long term relationship last Sunday night, got my shackles up. What long term relationship? I don't want to be his girlfriend.  Especially not of a guy who drinks and gambles. I've had my share of people who drink and frankly I don't want you near me if you smell of alcohol. He was never near me without having 5-6 glasses of wine.  Shudder.

So writing an email to say I won't see him again.    Been on several dating sites since last August and well... it's been mostly catch and release.  Most of the guys I write to, never write back and so few of the ones who write to me have anything remotely exciting to say. 

But honestly I don't want a long term relationship. I just want to have someone I can go camping with or canoeing with from time to time and talk to sometimes and also as a sex partner.  I have enough good friends in my life I don't need more.

I can't believe he called!!!!!

I wrote back February of last year about an incident with one of my exes.  I was horribly upset afterwards and I had someone tell him to not contact me anymore. 

I wrote the piece below in December of 2011, but never gave him the letter. Now I'm wishing I did. I wasn't at work on Friday but I called to see if I had any messages and sadly I had one message, from him. He called me at work because he knows I don't answer my phone at home.  Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't snail mail this letter to him..... 

I know I shouldn't let it bug me but I can't help it bugs me. I'm pissed about it too. I mean I was in a perfectly good mood, I was going to have a great long week-end and now I'm upset over this dumb ass again.

December 2011

Dear asshole friend. [The original text uses his full name here], 

I’m profoundly disappointed in you. You’ve been acting like a spoiled little boy for years. You say you respect your mother, but this isn’t true. Sure you treat your mother with more respect than you treat most people but if you truly honoured your mother, in true Mohawk tradition, you would treat all women in your life with the same kind of respect.  I remember you telling me years ago when we lived together that I wasn’t worthy of that respect.  Why you believe that is beyond me and incredibly hurtful.   If anything I have been a woman who has loved you, believed in you and tried the most to help you, other than your mom and your sister.   

  

I had to face my mom’s cancer alone, with a drunken asshole around me all the time. I would get home from work by the time you were on your 12^th beer. I did not get the support I needed at any given point. You didn’t even allow me a day alone to grieve by myself. Like having a drunken idiot who tries to pick fights with you, around you, is helpful to help you grieve? 

Yet when you called me to tell me about your mom’s cancer, I came running. I put away my hurts and was there for you so that you could be there for your mom. The pain I had to carry alone when my mom was sick and died, I didn’t wish anyone to have to go through this alone. 

When you called that night in February 2011 I could see you were in pain and needed to talk. Instead of being a man and telling me what was really on your mind, you decided to attack me verbally to the point where I felt I didn’t have a place anymore in this world. You spent over 30 minutes saying mean and hurtful things that I hope you don’t actually believe.  It’s not the first time you tell me such things, but this time is the last. You had the audacity to say you had brought me flowers the week before and ask me what I did for you in return.  When I’ve been there for you, I never did it to ‘get’ something in return. I was there for you because you needed me.  

That night on the phone you acted like a frightened little boy beating on the person who was there for you.  I still to this day do not understand what I did to you to deserve this profound disrespect. I don’t give a damn that you were drunk.  If you didn’t feel this profound disrespect for me, you wouldn’t voice it so adamantly when you drink. You wouldn’t try to make me feel like I didn’t deserve to walk this earth. 

It is incredibly hurtful that instead of acknowledging that when you drink you act like a jerk, you pretend like it didn’t happened.   Just because you have no recollection of being a jerk, does not mean you were not a jerk.     You’ve spent at least the last 12 years telling me that since you don’t remember being a jerk, and I don’t have it on camera,  I have no right to be upset at the impossible situations you have put me in due to your drinking.  

I’ve repeatedly told you that I do not want to be around you after you drink alcohol. I’ve put up with two years of your perpetual drunkenness one of which was while my mom was dying. I don’t ever want to have to put up with a drunken YOU ever again.   You consistently ignore this wish and subject me to your appalling behaviour over and over again. I stopped drinking myself 30 years ago because I didn’t like who I became when I drank, but you expect me to put up with you?  

 That being said, I’m done with you.  I am a person who deserves more than this kind of treatment and if all you have for me is disrespect then I don’t want to be part of your world. You wonder why my daughters have no respect for you, and don’t ever want to see you again? Look no further, they can see how you disrespect me and by extension, them. 

I still love you, despite all, and always will. I wish you no harm and hope one day you will become a man and be able express your real feelings instead of attacking the women who choose to be there for you. A man, who accepts responsibility for his actions, acknowledges the stupid things he did, apologizes when he’s made mistakes and works towards making amends for those he’s wronged.  I hope one day you learn to lean into your paddle. 

Walk in Beauty

When do you dump a friend?

I blogged about 2 weeks ago about an ex that really hurt my feelings calling me totally drunk. It's been close to 3 weeks since this incident and I'm still really hurt and upset about it.

When do you call it quits on a friend? When do you decide to never talk to someone again?

This is what I'm pondering tonight. I have so much unresolved anger relating to my relationship to him and when he drinks and becomes an ass, it brings up all this anger to the surface and then it becomes all consuming.

What do you do with a friend...

I've remained close with one of my exes but from time to time it's painful. Tonight he obviously needed someone to talk to, but when he drinks he's an absolute ass. I listened to him for a long time not tell me what was really bothering him but rant about all sorts of irrelevant stuff, but it quickly turned towards him destroying me. After 30 minutes I was in tears and told him that I was willing to listen to him about his problems, but he cannot attack me like this because he's hurting or because he's in distress.

That I'm willing to listen to what's really bothering him but not willing to have yet another fight because he's a drunk ass.  That's when he started to cry and get all paranoid on me.

I mean how far should you go to help a friend? Is it really helpful if you let your friend destroy you each time they have a crisis? When is enough enough? And how does one break those pattern?

I do love him always have always will, but I cannot let him hurt me like this all the time. It was the main reason we are no longer significant others. The relationship was unhealthy for me, and presumably for him as well.

Now I'm sitting here still upset because I know he's hurting and I'm not being there for him. I wish I knew how to be there for him and not have to pay that price. I'm also sitting here upset because he said some nasty stuff and while I know it's the alcohol talking, it still gets to you after a while.