Ah the grey days of January

I've been wanting to cry the past week. Excess emotion I guess.  It's also one of my biggest fears after months without sex, that if I have some I will burst into tears, during or after sex.   This fear is not as bad as when I went celibate for 2 years, between October 2003 till late 2005.  I could not be intimate with anyone because of how raw my emotions were.

It seems my emotions are still raw. But at least I haven't burst into tears at the wrong moment. I've been watching NCIS again from the beginning and many episodes make me cry and this is a good thing.  I miss my weekly chick shows this fall.  I was watching Private practice and Army wives and that got out my crying most weeks.  But both shows are off the air.

It sucks when my emotions are so raw that it ruins any possible intimacy with anyone,  and makes me run away screaming. Thankfully this is not currently the case.

It's been interesting too, I've been in therapy for 3 years. I don't see therapist that often, about every 4 weeks. Not much point in seeing him more often because it takes a long time for me to process my emotions despite emotions just bubbling out and being so incredibly moody.

I seem to be doing better at identifying how I'm feeling, and overall feeling less frustrated, less anxious and less depressed, but I still get moments where I feel so incredibly depressed.  I know winter is hard on me, not enough time spent outside in nature and not enough sunlight.  Its not helpful either, when you wake up it's dark and you leave work it's dark. 

I need to start doing my daily walks in the forest. I went Thursday for 30 minutes, and it was very peaceful. I always feel better after being in the woods. 

Bois de Liesse - path along Ruisseau Bertrand